forget.

this whole week has been a lifeless week for me. going for photo shoot later. anyone wants to accompany me? it will be quite boring though. i just realise listening chinese songs can also make me quite emo. haha. suddenly, got a bad feeling about something.
"i like talking to you, even though you practically counter whatever i said, which is pretty irritating. -.-' i just love the sight of you."
i wanna be happy, one month from now.
will you, or anyone be happy then?
~Kaze

I've got a very small memory space,

but i never forget the things you said.

she bu de ni... =/

uploaded some chinese songs. i like "sha tan" and "wo men de gu shi".
today, all i understand from the lessons is only the word "concept".
and it's so hard to come up with one.
my mind's always off somewhere.
dreaming away.
nothing much to talk about...
it seems like there's only one thing motivating me to go school.
you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

zhen me yang cai neng rang shi jian dao liu...?

hate to say goodbye. hate to let you go.

it took me 2 seconds to say 'bye'.

i used it to think of you.

~Kaze

whenever you walk away,

i'm always having this feeling i can't explain.

words from memories.

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today, i presented the 3 photos. not the 3 above, but another 3. well, i know i shivered and shaked abit and i'm sure my presentation was kinda blur. but i'm glad sally said she understood and that she liked one part of what i said. something about, not seeing this person for 3 months yet that photo just portrayed that farmiliar smile I've had in mind from my memories. well perhaps the presentation was blur, but it's really what i wanted to say, therefore, conveying that message was easy. haha. dunno what i'm talking. anyway, these photos are my first time taking and washing my own photos. and i guess thats why i like these photos so much.

did work at sally's house. though didn't do much and i think tmrw dun nid present le la. until late in the night, then i thought of a concept. was writing away, when i'm asked a question. and so, the conversation sent me thinking lots and lots. stoning emotionally. haha. anyway, after what have been said, i think i should at least be glad for the way it is now. at least it helped me to be sure of certain things. =)

~Kaze

and i still remember some things you said.

where's the rewind button?

today went for photo shooting. glad to have zhu tou no.2 as my model. these are a few accidental shots which i like. not used for my project. but maybe will include in my photojournal if possible. see how. anyway, xie xie ni, zhu tou!





you, made me like you...
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sometimes, you know you're trying your best, you know everything seems ok on one glance. but deep inside, you just feel that it's different. perhaps you're the only one that hasn't moved on. not only miracle, but everything else happen only once. the next time, it will be different. it's just not the same. no more smiles that're smiling at you. no more sweet little words slotted into parts of a sms, just to let one know, "i'm thinking of you". no more warm caring words to send one's heart melting like an ice cube... i guess this will all have to happen only inside my dream from now on... dream of sweet memories.
and i wonder how come it's so hard?
nothing has changed......right?
anyway, zhi yao ni kai xin jiu hao la...

~Kaze

you, made me love you...

suddenly feel like watching sunrise.



~Kaze

I'm just tired.

do you miss me?

What if your mind is off somewhere, thinking of someone, and you get hit by a car? how does it feel like? I think that there'll be no pain, but fear. A fear that the someone will vanish from your mind. perhaps i imagine getting knocked down by a car too much. and imagination became reality. my mind was off somewhere. didn't know what i was thinking. i looked at it and still i walked towards it. In that one second, before fully awake from 'dreaming', all i could see in my mind was someone. someone who've always been in my mind but never so clear. how does it feel like to be the last person on earth? all i needed was a little more care. whispering through my ears. a little hug to keep me from cold. a little look from the eyes that says "i'm missin' you." all these just to put a smile on my face, through the night, in my dream.
do you still think of me like you used to?

~Kaze

put down all your ammunition,
give me a hug.

I smiled.

How to know if someone is really in love with you and not just playing games? Truth is, you just won't know the answer. There's no way to tell, and no way to know, but then again, is there a need? Why worry about that? Enjoy being together while you are together. When you're in love, love to the fullest. It is a fiction. But everyone need fiction. If you have loved totally, there is no question. One day if the lover leaves, that simply means now our ways are parting. We can say goodbye, we can be thankful to each other. When you don't need the other, you can love, and that love will not bring misery. Going beyond needs, demands, desires, love becomes a very soft sharing, a great understanding. To be free from the past and future is to taste freedom for the first time. And in that experience one becomes whole, healthy, all wounds are healed.

Understanding these things made me understand that we need not "force" anything, no matter how much I wanted it. Just let it flow itself. No demands, no desire, no need, in that, I will be able to enjoy love, be it together or not. =)

Headache. again. hope i get sweet dreams tonight... haha. long time no have le. really long.

~Kaze

If you are simply smiling for no reason at all,

people will think something is loose in your head--

why are you smiling? Why are you looking so happy?

Feel alone.

Is there a difference between aloneness and loneliness? Yes, there is. Aloneness is to be self-contained, and not in-need of another. And to be alone doesn't mean loneliness. Loneliness takes place when you feel that everyone's with everyone and why are you left out? But why feel lonely when you can feel alone? Aloneness doesn't mean you can't be with another. You can, but it just means you are not in need of another. You know yourself better by knowing another. Being alone is a beauty. Have you ever stand in the crowd and still feel "lonely"? Yes, from one point of view, it is loneliness. But you could've closed your eyes and listen carefully to your surrounding and you will hear the birds singing, a clock ticking, and you can differenciate different kinds of footsteps made by different kinds of shoes. You can open your eyes and pay attention to every small details around you. And that is a beauty. That is aloneness. Real loves do happen, and that is when you can achieve aloneness, when you are not in need of another. Can you? Aloneness and loneliness, they are so close yet so different. Feel alone, not lonely. =)

headache, headache, headache... =/

~Kaze

hmmm, so how was that train ride?
hahaha. =P

Aloneness

Football

"I don't see any point in it. Why unnecessarily hit the football from here and there? There is no point. And even if you make the goal, so what? What is achieved out of it? And if these people love making goals so much, then rather than having one football, have eighteen footballs. Give everybody one, and he makes as many goals as he wants, nobody prevents him. Let them have goals to their hearts' content! This way it is too difficult--why make it unnecessarily difficult?

I don't understand, that by creating hindrances and preventing people . . . They fall and they have fractures and all kinds of nonsense. And not only that--when there are matches, thousands of people gather to see them. It seems these people don't know that life is so short--and they are watching a football match! And they are so excited, jumping, shouting--to me, it is absolutely neurotic. I would rather sit under my tree."

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The old woman watched her grandson eat his soup with the wrong spoon, grasp his knife by the wrong end, eat the main course with his hands, and pour tea into the saucer and blow on it.
"Hasn't watching your mother and father at the dinner table taught you anything?" she asked.
"Yes," said the boy, chewing with his mouth open, "never to get married."

~Kaze

life, love, they're all fictions.
but you need fiction.

i just want to say,

exactly half a year has gone by since that day. yea...i do feel sad. half a year passed by so fast. to think that half a year ago, i made a post about the happiest day of my life. hah. half a year later... to be fair, i guess this post will be the saddest day of my life. half a year seems short. and it doesn't change anything, the way i see it. i still feel the same way i did six months ago. it's early in the morning, and i'm just about to start the day. but with no directions. still remember how excited i was that day. and the day just feel so short. waiting seems longer than usual, coz i can't wait to see her. saying goodbye that day wasn't very hard, coz i know i'm gonna see her again. I guess the important thing is it was an enjoyable day. people say the more you think about it, the more you start to forget all about it. don't think that's true. anyway, i should start looking into things that'll cheer me up, though i'm still trying my best to find one. waiting on love ain't so easy to do.
that's it. i'm signing out. before tears start coming out. hah. =) don't bother checking back again bah.

~Kaze

and i just want to say,

i miss you. =/

let it be lost in the well...

forget. forget. just forget it!

stop. stop. just stop everything!

what am i feeling? Nothing. I'm fine!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I just want to scream.

stop feeling that way! feel like taking out my heart and give it a good scolding.

knock your head against the wall and wake up!

hmmm... and i wonder when my dad's gonna run out of pocket money to give me.

anyway, no point telling a computer about it. it's just my sad stuff. and it's kinda silly.

no motivation to do work...

ninja on!
*poof!*
zzz... =.="'

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And then you wonder how it all came about?
It's too late now there's no gettin' out.
You fell in love, and love is the tender trap......

~Kaze

how should i tell you how i feel,
when words are only sound......?

I'm a monster!

Was buying and buying lots of food, and suddenly I realised that... I tend to eat alot when I'm not in a good mood. Perhaps the only thing that can calm me down is to keep eating.
When I see a car, I feel like hammering its window.
When I see someone blocking my way, I feel like strangling him/her.
When people talk so damn loud on the bus, I feel like glueing their lips together.
When I get irritated by stupid noises caused by other people while reading in a library, I feel like killing them.
When I see the soccer field's empty, I feel like kicking a ball so damn hard that it tear apart, though I know I'm not good with balls.
But strangely, when I see a cat, I feel like hugging it.
Ahhhhhhhhhh~~~!
Help!
I'm wierd.

Currently consuming a nicely made Cheezy BBQ melt, a Mash potato, A chicken wing, a curry puff, and two donuts, with a cup of pepsi. =)

I didn't know I can eat that much. Well at least not in a regular basis, but nowadays...

Take what's left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave

-----------------------------------------

Situation Number one
Its the one that's just begun
But evidently its too late
Situation Number two
Its the only chance for you
It's controlled by denisons of hate
Situation Number three
It's the one that no one sees
All too often dismissed as fate
Situation Number four
The one that left you wanting more
Tantalized you with its bait


~Kaze

I don't wanna be your regret.
I'd rather be your cocoon.

Pigheadache.

Ever had a kind of feeling when you're so close to someone, yet still missin' this person so much?

This pig head is having headache.
But just can't sleep.

think there's something wrong with my eye today. everything seems so yellowish. feel so heavy on the neck. hmmm... aiya think i'll be fine tmrw. hope. =/

anyway, got the best medicine i can have today. so...

Perhaps I know it seems impossible,
But I guess I just want to enjoy every moment I can have now.
Nothing else really matters...
just friends or not?
i guess happiness comes first...

~Kaze

keep letting the water flow,
it will eventually dry up one day.

I've used up all my time.

Today's activities :
After school, called everyone. No one.
Bought bubble tea.
Walk around.
Went library.
Listen to music at HMV.
Sat at esplanade.
Took a bus home.
Bought two small boxes of cake, A few sushi, and a packet of instant noodles.
Sat down eating the noodles,
Telling a pentium 4 about the stupid life I'm having.

and by the way, just gotta say, that SHOW magazine layout sucks! You call that a design? Maybe...
But I like mine better.





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"The same old place I've been.
The same old carpet I've sat on.
The same old book I've read.
The same old steps I took.
But it don't feel the same anymore,
without you sitting by my side.

I wonder why is it that sometimes,
our messages just can't get to each other.
I wonder why is it that sometimes,
I can never know what you're thinking.
I wonder how much time have I used up,
just to think of you."

~Kaze

Fate? maybe.
Time doesn't flies, for today.

The thing I missed.

Today went out with shida, shairul, yj, xin ning. Well I was the only person on time. =.="' Anyway, we walked around, joke around and we ate soeul garden. And as usual, I ate alot. Shai kept saying he never see me stopping since we came in. I was either cooking or eating. Haha, quite true. And the ice cream was nice, the ice kachang overflowed. zzz... Then we watched the movie "flashpoint", and they kept saying "pi piak pi piak" after the show, which actually meant the sound of the punches and all those moves. Well, then we walked to the new campus to look around and end the day there. It has always been hard to say "goodbye" for me. Especially when I know it will be some time till I see that person. I mean, well, I will still see them in the campus, but, it's just not the same anymore. Perhaps get together some time and go out together and so on, but, it's not an everyday thing anymore.

I wanted to slow down time, or freeze it. And perhaps live in that time for a week. But it will never be enough. And so, goodbye. Take care, everyone. =)

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Hmmm, and so you know, I was just on time to reach home and switch on my monitor, and saw the msg you sent me. Just nice, my sis seems to have logged into my account, if not, perhaps I'll just go to sleep.

Yeah, I know perhaps you will be reading my blog still. That's why I carried on blogging despite the fact that I kept saying I wanted to close it down. I know you have not forgotten. Yeah, still not old despite of your white hair la. haha. Perhaps it's just that sometimes I just wonder, how some people can forget so easily. That particular day wasn't a very good day for me, despite I took a walk along the "I-so-longed-to-go" boat quay. It just got worst after I reached home, facing my computer, talking to someone. It was a day which I finally got someone to talk to and I let it all out. Perhaps that explains the post, saying some stupid stuff. That night wasn't easy for me, but it made me feel better the following day.

Well I couldn't forget anything...but now I'd prefer to remember it. I know you'll remember too. No need for us to say. Whatever it is, we can't rewind time, but I'll remember every moment it took for me to get here. It will be wrapped nicely and put inside a corner of my heart. I hope I'll do just fine and I'll always be wishing you well, even if you're far away. So, take care. Goodbye. =)

It's been a while since I heard that "two words". The only "thing" I missed.

*Sweating like hell* betta go bathe now.

~Zhu tou

I enjoyed every moment I could remember.

I missed my zhu tou...
Safe trip home. =)

What is love anyway?

The thing about memories sometimes...
The more you think about it, the more it becomes blur to you.

The thing about time...
You can slow it down if you want. You can even freeze it if you like.
But you can't rewind.

Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was.
Love is there if you want it to be.
You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty
and hidden away between the seconds of your life.
If you don't stop for a minute,
you might miss it.

I'm moving on, till I'm needed to stop again.

~Kaze

Nothing to worry. Just smile. =)

Songs in my heart.

"loving someone doesn't make them love you."
"waitin' on love ain't so easy to do."

Simply like this two lines from a song.

"Just sitting, wishing."

Sometimes I wish I could sing. and that I could play the guitar. And then play the guitar, singing to the girl I like. Haha. Or simply just singing into the air, sitting near the beach. Well, but I know I'm not musically talented. haha. so... I'm better off daydreaming. Being a dreamer is much easier. =)

I don't know la, but for me, I think the best gift would be a song. Best if it's self-composed. If someone is to sing me a song, my heart will melt man... Haha... It doesn't have to have very good music, I just want a good lyrics. When I listen to a song, I often look at the lyrics and sing with it. That's how I appreciate a piece of music. That's why when most people talk to me about what they called "Music", I practically switched off. Especially songs like "my humps" or "umbrella", stupidiest songs I've ever heard in my life. I don't know what the lyrics is about, but I'm not interested to know either. It's practically a piece of junk if you ask me. You don't even know what she's singing. And perhaps the singers themselves don't even know what they're singing most of the time. Just follow the music and make those repeated words/sounds. *Note* I don't call those lyrics. They're just words or sound, repeated for a few times to form what others called "music". To me, they're more of "sound" than "music". So don't be surprise if anyone sees me getting so pissed and frustrated all of a sudden outside when I heard these "sounds".

School's starting soon. Somehow, I'm not looking forward to it. Don't think le. spoil my mood to even think of it.

Tomorrow, most likely I'm gonna get pissed off with someone. She never fails to piss me off everytime I speak with her. That's why I tried not to speak to her so much. And tomorrow? Have to change our dining place because of her. But anyway, I saw that coming. Expected.

I think I'm getting more and more sensitive towards people's words. catching small little details of words they say.

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Nothing to say le. I'm just confused at what I'm feeling right now. or rather, all along. Perhaps it's a feeling that you can only achieve when you really don't care about anything anymore. Just wanna see her happy bah. You know, when I see her, I didn't just see her. I feel her.

Maybe that's why.
I want to feel happy. =)

~Kaze

I've always had songs in my heart for you,
just waiting for you to put it together.

Sitting, waiting, wishing.

Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I can't stand myself! Getting so hot-tempered so easily. Dammit. I wasn't like this before!
Calm down pls!

Sigh.

Just so frustrated. Everything's not right. fuck.

Good thing there's still my music to calm me down.

I'm hungry. 3:45pm I havent eat anything. how I wish got ppl buy food for me. haha. dream on. -.-"'

I really don't wanna be thinking anything related. It's making me change, for the worst i'm afraid. Just kill me if you see me stoning next time. zzz. =.="'

Sigh...anyway, wherever you are, take care. I don't care if anyone forgotten anything anymore. I just wanna wish for everyone to be well. you too. Enjoy your vacation. All the best to the new school term. =)

~Kaze

Can anyone cook me some food? I will give you a kiss! haha.

Where are you?

Tonight, I took a walk along clark quay and boat quay.

The scenery was beautiful. saw alot of different people. Then I settle down at the bridge at boat quay. I sat on the bridge, looking at the boat travelling below, above the dark water which is lighted up by the beautiful lights around.





Why do people have secrets? And if you have a secret, please keep it as a secret. It makes people wonder...

What do I really want? What I want is not possible. I just know it, even though it hasn't been said. Perhaps you've made a wise decision. I respect that and so... But did I really did the wrong thing? I don't know. I just couldn't forget you, honestly. I don't need anyone to know. Coz I didn't try to remember on purpose. I just couldn't. Perhaps it really means alot to me. But it seems like it's a different case on your side. I'm just wondering, have you erased those memories? It's easy? Teach me. Please mend my broken heart.

Where are you, I wonder. We've grew so far apart I don't even know where you are now. Wherever you are, I wish you well. Just smile. Coz your smile is the one thing I haven't forgotten, something I would like to see everyday if I could.

Do you remember when we first met?

I sure do.

~Kaze

I took a picture that I don't like to look at...

Would you be happier?

There're two sides to everyone.

Ever realised that there's one certain side of a certain person you liked so much, yet you kinda dislike the person in another way?

But of course, most of the time, that dislike part, plays only a small role.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, "what if" is all I think of.
What if I've gone ahead with my studies at temasek poly?
What if there're certain things I didn't do, will I have happier classmates?
What if I wasn't in this class, and I didn't met her, will she be happier?
Perhaps...
But when I think of it, I really don't wish for all these "what if" to come true.

Sigh...stupid me,
To think of all those things.
But sometimes when you have some flashbacks of your memory,
you think to yourself,
for that moment in your flashback,
"She could've been happier."
"Everyone could've been..."

Smiles... =)

"It's enough to make me cry,
But that doesn't seems like it'll make it feel better.
Maybe it's a dream and if I scream, it will burst at the seams.
Whole place would fall into pieces.
and then they'd say
"well how could we have known?"
i'll tell them its not so hard to tell.
you keep adding stones,
soon the water will, be lost in the well."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sitting, waiting, wishing"

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
And in loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your cards
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I have no place to read?
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

~Kaze

I like it when you smile...

Am I alright?

My last day working at action city, for now...

Went for supper with everyone, except for one extra, joanna's husband. Spoiling the fun. Still didn't manage to take a photo of everyone. Joanna's not inside. Sigh. And the two photos the rest of us took together, isn't very nice. I hope we had more time. I hope it wasn't just supper. I hope we can have more fun. No one rushing home, had all the time we need to take a perfect picture. But well... nevermind.

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What if you have an extra 8 hours each day? What if you can't fall asleep? What would you do?

I remembered there were days I just couldn't fall asleep. The moment I lied on my bed, things start to float around my mind. I know I'm tired. But those stuff kept me awake.

Now that I have so much free time, should I even spend them sleeping? It's wasting time. What should I do tomorrow? Well I wanted this break. I just don't know what to do with it. Walking around town area... wandering about the same few places. It's kinda boring. If there's a nice movie showing right now, perhaps I will try watching a movie alone for the first time. I don't know what's that feeling. With no one around you that you know. You watch a comedy, you laughed alone. You watch a tragedy, you cry alone. You watch a thriller, you grow excitement alone. You watch a horror, you jump up of your chair alone.

Every day, I sigh...before I start my day.
Every night, I sigh...before I go to bed.

I haven't had any dream for quite some time.
It would be great if any sweet little dream stop by one of these days.
Please, sweet ones. I don't wanna cry sleeping... Haha.

Sigh...

~Kaze

Am I alright?