Wake me up with an answer......

I don't know why we've become so quiet even when we're walking side by side. I kept quiet, and so did you. I didn't know what to say, perhaps you too. I realised you used to be the one starting the conversation, and perhaps that's why I'm stuck now whenever I see you, wanting to talk to you so much, but I couldn't even utter a word, I've become mute all of a sudden. I'm just so useless... Sometimes I see that eyes of you looking at me and I really want to know what you were thinking at that moment. You turned when I just happened to look back at you. Sometimes you really said things that showed that "dao" side of you that you've claimed to be. But I don't understand why we could have been such close friends in such a short while, without you showing that "dao" side of you to me for that period of time? If only I could read your mind. Are you giving up on me? like I've thought I could but still can't...Now I just wish to fall into deep sleep till you wake me up with an answer......

Thanks.
~Kaze

If you are my cup of tea...

This is a story about A lonely man and his cup of tea...

He was a lonely man,

With little true friends.

He was a wierdo,

But he doesn't care.

One day he found this packet of tea,

And he brewed it patiently.

He gave it hot water to warm it,

And gave it a little stir to blend it.

As soon as he drank it,

He felt that warmth it gave.

He didn't want to finish it,

As he knew it will be hard to find another cup of it.

He left it there untouched,

It continued to warm his heart.

But soon everything fell apart.

The tea was no longer warm,

The taste was no longer strong,

The feel was no longer the same as before.

He held the cup tight,
But all it could gave him was coldness inside.

He didn't know why,

He didn't know how,

He didn't know what he could do,

To make everything right.

If you are that cup of tea,

What are you thinking?

And If I'm that lonely man,

I will hold you tight, speaking with you in my hand.

Moments later,

He thought everything is over.

He decided to drink it,

But then he felt some warmth remains,

Though it dissolved without a trace again.

He didn't know if he should throw it,

Or drink it.

If only you're that cup of tea,

What would you like him to do?

And if only I'm that lonely man,

Can I know, do you feel?

Was searching through my wallet this morning when I saw something that brought back some memories. I didn't know if I should throw it or keep it. Perhaps it meant nothing and has no value, but what it contains are memories that money can't buy.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Mind games...

Have you ever tried eating alone in the rain? Well, I kinda did that today...haha. Just happen that I went opposite my school to eat on my own, and I chose a seat nearer to the outside of the hawker centre. As I was eating, the rain got bigger, heavier...Until my whole table is already wet, but I'm still eating. Haha...perhaps my dear friend is crying out loud for me as it knows I am, inside. Once again, it accompanied me when I'm alone and I'm thankful for that. Well, call me nuts, call me a wierdo, for you're just jealous I have this friend that you still do not understand. :)
Here are a few photos of my dearest friend...I like the first one...cool pic...













Sometimes, I really wished I could go back to my secondary school days, the school work's boring I know, but the life is much more interesting, and I've lived my life there happily-go-lucky...Unlike now, everyone's just playing Mind games... Today he told me again he now take friends very lightly, friends come and go, he don't care, and he also don't know why he's suddenly become backed to like this. I know it was because of me, I didn't know what to say. I'm just feeling so bad that I've turned you back to how you used to be after you've finally decided to change. I'm really sorry. I know sorry can't change anything, but I don't know what else I could say to you. Sigh...now I just want to hide from everyone. I want to be forgotten...if only I could make everyone forget me. I'm not worth remembering. Well, speaking of Mind games, John lennon's album "Mind games" recorded the national anthem for NUTOPIA, and I've only just found out today that, that song is just a few seconds of silence... Isn't it cool? The country with a white flag, all citizens are ambassadors, no passport, no land, no boundaries, no law, only cosmic, And now, a national anthem that contains only a few seconds of silence.

What a cool place to live in, well, it's not hard to imagine...

Thanks.
~Kaze

I want to go to the Octopus's garden!!

I'm really glad this SFF has brought you joy and laughter... :) I guess there's really nothing more I can do to make you smile...I shall find some ways to entertain myself too...it seems like it's been a long time since I last have a "Me" day...Perhaps one of these days, I'll schedule one day just for myself...Too bad I don't have a mp3 player...If I really can, I would like to go under the sea, to that octopus's garden...take a beautiful break...well, I hope the shark doesn't eat me...I'm not tasty, even as a pighead... (^ ~ @ ~ ^)"'

Thanks.
~Kaze

OH Stars, don't shine on me...

Alone in the dark,
I'm searching for my soul.
Moving like my shadow,
I'm so afraid to run.
I don't know why as I looked up the sky,
The stars just shine on me...
I don't know why as I run from the sky,
The stars still shine on me...

OH stars, don't shine on me...
For today, just let me be.
OH stars, don't shine on me...
Let the raindrops fall onto me.

As I continue to walk the path,
I realised I wasn't the only one.
As I raised my head once again,
I saw no rain on the other side.
I don't know why nobody could see me,
The stars still shine on me...
I don't know how you could have ignored me,
The stars were still shining on me...

OH stars, don't shine on me...
For it doesn't make any difference in the light.
OH stars, don't shine on me...
Please don't take pity on me.
OH stars, don't shine on me...
For no one will be remembering me.
OH stars, don't shine on me...
For this whole night, just set me free.
Before the sun's here, I'll be gone with the mist...

I don't know how can I help you, perhaps we can't. But I really don't wish to see this saddening side of you. Everyday you frown, I know you're suffering inside even when you don't show it that clearly. Perhaps that's why you just want to sleep, not thinking of other things. That's why you feel so tired. I no longer see the smile throughout the day. I see helpless, vexed, sad, restless, desperate to go home, isolating yourself. I may be wrong, and I hoped I am. Perhaps you see me as a bother, a redundant person bothering you. But sometimes I don't care, I don't know of anything else I could do besides keeping you company. I just want to see that bright side of you back, perhaps then, I'll leave... You don't even eat much nowadays. I'm so afraid that you may ultimately fall one day, both physically and mentally. Sometimes I don't know what to say to you, so I kept quiet, giving you some peace. But if you're reading this one day, please be strong and smile like that "You" I used to know.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Alone again...naturally...

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when your shattered
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church with people saying
My God, that's tough, she stood him up,
No point in us remaining
I may as well go home,
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need,
I truely am, indeed,
Alone again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts,
Broken in the world that can’t be mended,
Left unattended, what do we do?
What do we do?

Perhaps we can't do a thing about it...so should just treat it normally, living our everyday lives...normally. I will...let everything shape by itself...Everything that happens will happen...no need for preventing coz perhaps you can't. I too, don't see the need to sulk anymore, at least not infront of everyone, coz everything will not change just because you sulk. Live your life happily...everyone. Perhaps one day if you really forget your past, you will be able to move on...until then, I'll wait.

Thanks.
~Kaze

Thank you, dear Rain......

Why do people run away from rain? Why are you afraid of the rain? It's such a good friend of mine. It came to accompany me when I'm feeling sad. Gently, it falls on me. "Patting" on my shoulder...it comforts me. It seems as though every single droplet contain those sweet little memories that I have, and helped me think better. As I walked the lonely path, with the company of my dearest friend, I just can't help but reach out my hand to allow my friend to fall on it. I held both my hands together, it was cold...as cold as my heart was...But as I get nearer to my house, I slowed down...the nearer I get, the slower I walked. I didn't want to lose that feeling. It felt like that day when I sat in the rain, but what's different now is that I won't feel that warmth in your hands anymore. People...be it driver, people in the shelter, people walking with umbrella. They looked at me as though I'm mad...Yes, perhaps I am to them. But why is it so? I don't feel neccessary to explain to them. What is so strange about me getting all wet? It rains, so it's only right that I get wet. Why do you run from rain? When I reached home, I was all wet, but I wasn't feeling cold, my dearest friend had warmth my heart. When I have things that I don't wish to share with anyone, I whisper to this friend of mine...It listened to me...everytime...I'm glad I wasn't alone when I'm down.
You're always there for me......Thank you, dear Rain......

Thanks.
~Kaze

Still my guitar gently weeps...

Didn't thought the first to view my new blog is my long-lost friend. Perhaps I still have friends who cares about me. Anyway, my blog is open to everyone, but if you and him are reading my blog by any chance, I wondered why? Do you still even care...What's your purpose of reading my blog? Everyday, we simply become a little more "stranger"... You talk to everyone happily but me...you don't seems to want me to know where you're going... There're times I saw that eyes of you stealing a glance at me...I don't know why, but I guess you don't want me to know something...and it seems so hard to just face me...Perhaps I think too much but that's what I feel. And if it's "Him" reading my blog, which I guess you already did, I wonder why? What's the purpose? To see if I'm sulking again, and if you should help this old friend over here...Well, you can't do a thing about it too, so PLEASE DON'T. I just feel better typing out how I feel, that's why I blog. Please don't do anything again to hurt anyone, including yourself. If she's still smiling while talking to you now...perhaps that's not a bad thing, I will feel happy too. Just like you've said, if She's happy being with you, I will give you my blessing. Don't worry, I will live on no matter what happens, I still have friends...It just takes time to stop sulking...The only regret is that we weren't close friends anymore, like we used to agree to be no matter what happens.

Listening to this song on my blog now, This really sings out how I feel, "I don't know how you were diverted...I don't know how you were inverted...no one alerted you." "I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love? I don't know how someone controlled you, they bought and sold you..." "I looked from the wings at the play you're staging, while my guitar gently weeps...As I'm sitting here doing nothing but aging, Still my guitar gently weeps..."

Thanks.
~Kaze

I miss you...

I miss the you who has lots of story to tell...
I miss the you who will talk to me yourself...
I miss the you who will laugh at things I do, no matter how silly they are...
I miss the you who will argue with me...
I miss the you who will say sarcastic comments and laugh after that...
I miss the you who will let me hold your hand...
I miss the you who will call me on the phone...
I miss the you who will care about me...
I miss the you who will ask me along wherever you go...
I miss the you who will call me after school to ask me where I am...
I miss the you who will sms me through the night while doing work...
I miss the you who will strangle me when I said something bad about you...
I miss the you on 21st Febuary...
I miss the you who will smile at me...
I miss the you who will share your problems with me...
I just want to tell you how much I miss that "you" in the past......

But now I just wish to go to somewhere without love and sorrow......for now that you've changed and I do not know why......You're just so...cold towards me...

Thanks.
~Kaze

The cry of an Invisible man...

Haha, as expected...this wednesday wasn't a good one. Another day ended without you saying goodbye.

Do you know how saddening I feel when you went off without looking at me, no goodbye, no answer to why, I just feel lost. Perhaps I've gradually become invisible. To you and him. The whole day he seldom look at me. We walk passed each other like we're strangers. And it's the same with you.

The day started all good, with you smsing me by yourself, I felt like we were back to like before. I was really happy. Then you came to class, you come to me asking what I'm doing. It's just a very minimal thing but I just feel so happy inside. But then it was the last thing that can make me happy for today. You went off with him to somewhere, which I don't know and didn't ask. Coz I don't want you to feel the pressure. I take it easy...I listened to music to clear some of my thoughts out of my small little brain. I thought everything would be fine. But when we got down from bus 14, I realised something was amiss. And I kept looking at your expression. You're obviously thinking about something. It took me quite long to finally ask you what's going on in your mind. But again I got the answer I expected..."Nothing" Perhaps all you can tell me now is "Nothing". We used to have lots of things to talk about. You used to tell me some of your problems. Even about him. I was really glad then. But now I felt like we've drifted apart.

Everyday I remembered the last words you said to me...Today, the last words you said to me was, "You look as though you've fallen into the drain..." Do you realise that that's the last thing you said to me today? And before that, was "Nothing", and before that was, "Hey, anti-social ah?" Before that? was, "What are you doing?" I did my maths correctly. And just thinking about this makes me feel worst then dying...To think we used to be such close friends that can talk alot everyday. But now we're strangers that only speaks 4 sentences to me for one whole day. Lying on the mattress in Sally's room, I thought of the good and sweet memories we had on that mattress. From the first time when I lie on your belly, till the last time when I hold your hand. Each one sent me crying...Sometimes I wonder why am I such a cry baby. But I just can't help but get emotional when I think of the sweet memories that will never happen again.

Now I really don't look forward to school. Everyday I hope to see you, yet knowing that I seem like an invisible man you only speaks 4 times each day with just makes me feel worst.

If I could go back in time, perhaps I won't tell you that I like you. At least you could still treat me as a friend that can share your problems with. I just hoped you would treat me like how you used to...Even when you say all these are because of you're thinking of something. Well, am I really a person that's that "mo shen" to you that you can't even bid me goodbye. I really want you to know I'm still always your zhu tou, and will always be here waiting to hear and help you with your problems. But would you let me? Do I even get the chance to say this?

And something Sally said just reminded me of the way Shairul, Jankin, YJ and perhaps the rest look at me now. They've all been informed by him, that I've confessed to you. And I really do realise that there's something different about the way they look at me now. I can't blame them, I'm the third party right from the start. He wasn't happy about the way I look at him, but did he even realise how can I be able to restand the looks and glances of so many pairs of eyes? This was what I'm afraid would happen before I tell him...and now all that I've thought had happened. Sally said I'm still able to take this easily. If it was her, she will be thinking alot on how to solve this. But how do you know I'm not? But what can be done? The eyes belong to others...not me. And Sally, because of me...now she feel drifted apart with the rest, esp with him...Perhaps I should not trouble her any further...I lost the trust in everyone...

I no longer know which direction should I take, I'm stuck in a T-junction. Do you like me? Or are you doing this to avoid me? Perhaps I should really let you go...like what you've said on your blog, "It hurts, but it heals." I really want to see your old sweet, cute self again...Just forget about everything and smile... =)

Thanks.
~Kaze

How will today be?

How will today goes? Will it go as I've wished or will it be the opposite instead. Yesterday Night before sleeping...My second sister had a fight with my dad. It was so serious that my dad kept shouting to chase her out of the house. It really hurts seeing my family become like this although I didn't say a thing. I lie on my bed listening to my eldest sister's counselling. Tears just come down all of a sudden. She was asking my second sis, "Do you know how bad papa feel? Not being able to provide you more, giving you more education? Do you know how bad he feels?" It just strike me at that moment, he's providing me with education now in Lasalle with his hard-earned money. But am I really working hard enough? I don't think I am. For that moment, I just feel glad that I have such a good father. I used to quarrel with him, and we didn't talk for few weeks. He later found out that I have not enough money to spend and initiated the "peace-talk".

Why does money controls us? We quarrel because of money, we starve because of money, we steal because of money, we die because of money. We're unable to do many things without money. Even when you talk about love, ask yourself this, "Does money really doesn't matter?"

Well anyway, I will live my life to the best...I will. I must be strong. Even if today doesn't turn out nice, I will accept that fact that perhaps I should just let you go. You're getting so stressed up everyday, having to make decision everyday...Can you even concentrate on your work? Perhaps you can, but I can't. The closer it gets to assessment, the more I'm afraid that we will drift apart after the school ends. I really don't want that to happen, even if we're just friends...But I can't help but think that it will happen. Perhaps you need no one, to you, we're just friends you can't bear to hurt by saying No.

Well was listening to the song, "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps." by cake and the lyrics really say what I'm feeling. Today might be another day living in mental torture but I will live it happily. =)

Thanks.
~Kaze

The Time Machine...

Sometimes I wished my life's a movie...at least I can look back at things I've done, how I've behaved...and most importantly, good memories.

Everyone wants a time machine. Some hoped to return to the past, some hoped to proceed faster into the future. What would you want? Returning to the past...enjoying the sweet memories you once had might be good, but what's so exciting about it if you already know what's gonna happen next? You want to change your past perhaps, but being too indulged in your past, will you really make a different decision, do a different thing, think differently?

Perhaps that's why people say we learn from our mistakes, and not hoping to return to change it. Coz perhaps you can't. There's a time machine in everyone. You think about your past, the sweet memories that wouldn't be forgotten, but you can't change it. It's the same. But this time machine doesn't allow you to stay there in your past. You have to come back. And afterwhich, you should then think of how things are now and try to face it.

Perhaps I'm saying all these but I don't actually understand it yet. I want to be like how I used to be, the Zhu tou you liked. But it's not easy to be back now that things have changed so much. You don't even ask me out now, and you don't look forward to seeing me. You used to ask if I'm going for group work, or lesson, You used to ask me what am I doing. You used to say you're thinking of me, though I don't really know if it was a joke, I took it seriously. Well, I guess all these things you used to do, won't happen again. So how am I suppose to be like before? Perhaps I can still smile, but my smile wouldn't be the same anymore, yes they're genuine, but they're no longer smiles that will retains, remains in my heart. I was happy then, becoz of you. But now things are different. You avoid me, you don't talk much to me. SO How glad could I get? I wonder......

Just the way you looked at me tells alot. Though I felt as though we're back to how we were yesterday night......but now, I'm even afraid to hold your hand, afraid that it will remind you of certain things, that's why I did not dare to make any move even though you were so close to me. It was a regret of coz, but I know I must respect you and shouldn't do things that will make you feel vexed again...Perhaps the next time you stay close to me, I will do what my heart tells me to.

"I get no kick from champagne, mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all. So tell me why should it be true, that I get a kick out of you?"

Thanks.
~Kaze

I love Wednesdays...

Was sitting on the bus when I'm reminded of the few days perhaps I will never forget. They seems to fall on the same day, Wednesday. It was Wednesday, on Valentine, that you ended up with me, although it wasn't exactly a date. But at least I was happy that day. It was Wednesday when I told you I like you, this time round it seems to be a date...and I was really happy that day, and you told me you enjoyed too. I'm glad I cancelled my group work for this date. Haha. It was wednesday when I sit and think in the rain for the first time, I enjoyed that feeling, and you asked me to go home, although I was really vexed that day, but looking at you just makes everything worthwhile. It was Wednesday that he finally found out about us. I cried that night, not knowing what will happen next. It was also Wednesday that you changed your attitude for the first time, you didn't talk much to me, we're like strangers. Until now...perhaps it's better...but I guess it wouldn't be the same anymore. But I understand and promise that I will smile more, and try to be back to the Zhu tou you used to be more comfortable spending time with.

But I wonder, what will this wednesday be like? I really hope it's a good one. Coz I believe in "Good Wednesdays".

Thanks.
~Kaze

New blog, new start perhaps...

This is a new blog I created, due to my previous blog causing lots of unneccessary trouble. Now I just wanna find a place to express how I feel. If reading my blog will sent you guys thinking so much, I'm really sorry. I don't know how long I will keep this blog, but I hope this new blog gives a new start. The friendster horoscope says that today is a day for relationships, any kind of relationships...So I really hope today will turn out well, either between friends or you and me.

Thanks.
~Kaze