The cry of an Invisible man...

Haha, as expected...this wednesday wasn't a good one. Another day ended without you saying goodbye.

Do you know how saddening I feel when you went off without looking at me, no goodbye, no answer to why, I just feel lost. Perhaps I've gradually become invisible. To you and him. The whole day he seldom look at me. We walk passed each other like we're strangers. And it's the same with you.

The day started all good, with you smsing me by yourself, I felt like we were back to like before. I was really happy. Then you came to class, you come to me asking what I'm doing. It's just a very minimal thing but I just feel so happy inside. But then it was the last thing that can make me happy for today. You went off with him to somewhere, which I don't know and didn't ask. Coz I don't want you to feel the pressure. I take it easy...I listened to music to clear some of my thoughts out of my small little brain. I thought everything would be fine. But when we got down from bus 14, I realised something was amiss. And I kept looking at your expression. You're obviously thinking about something. It took me quite long to finally ask you what's going on in your mind. But again I got the answer I expected..."Nothing" Perhaps all you can tell me now is "Nothing". We used to have lots of things to talk about. You used to tell me some of your problems. Even about him. I was really glad then. But now I felt like we've drifted apart.

Everyday I remembered the last words you said to me...Today, the last words you said to me was, "You look as though you've fallen into the drain..." Do you realise that that's the last thing you said to me today? And before that, was "Nothing", and before that was, "Hey, anti-social ah?" Before that? was, "What are you doing?" I did my maths correctly. And just thinking about this makes me feel worst then dying...To think we used to be such close friends that can talk alot everyday. But now we're strangers that only speaks 4 sentences to me for one whole day. Lying on the mattress in Sally's room, I thought of the good and sweet memories we had on that mattress. From the first time when I lie on your belly, till the last time when I hold your hand. Each one sent me crying...Sometimes I wonder why am I such a cry baby. But I just can't help but get emotional when I think of the sweet memories that will never happen again.

Now I really don't look forward to school. Everyday I hope to see you, yet knowing that I seem like an invisible man you only speaks 4 times each day with just makes me feel worst.

If I could go back in time, perhaps I won't tell you that I like you. At least you could still treat me as a friend that can share your problems with. I just hoped you would treat me like how you used to...Even when you say all these are because of you're thinking of something. Well, am I really a person that's that "mo shen" to you that you can't even bid me goodbye. I really want you to know I'm still always your zhu tou, and will always be here waiting to hear and help you with your problems. But would you let me? Do I even get the chance to say this?

And something Sally said just reminded me of the way Shairul, Jankin, YJ and perhaps the rest look at me now. They've all been informed by him, that I've confessed to you. And I really do realise that there's something different about the way they look at me now. I can't blame them, I'm the third party right from the start. He wasn't happy about the way I look at him, but did he even realise how can I be able to restand the looks and glances of so many pairs of eyes? This was what I'm afraid would happen before I tell him...and now all that I've thought had happened. Sally said I'm still able to take this easily. If it was her, she will be thinking alot on how to solve this. But how do you know I'm not? But what can be done? The eyes belong to others...not me. And Sally, because of me...now she feel drifted apart with the rest, esp with him...Perhaps I should not trouble her any further...I lost the trust in everyone...

I no longer know which direction should I take, I'm stuck in a T-junction. Do you like me? Or are you doing this to avoid me? Perhaps I should really let you go...like what you've said on your blog, "It hurts, but it heals." I really want to see your old sweet, cute self again...Just forget about everything and smile... =)

Thanks.
~Kaze