happy birthday to me.

Thanks everyone. really thank you for going yesterday night. Well though it wasn't really how i expected the day will be. but the fact that you guys came did made me happy of coz. and i appreciate it. i just didn't want everyone to leave so early, i mean, i am selfish. but i just wanted to make my day a little more memorable? Well. Sorry for having such a high expectation. i mean, you guys did whatever u can right? i didn't expect u guys would stay, coz i know everyone wants to go home early. i wan to say that i really dun blame anyone or whatsoever. but im just saying what i would've wanted. it's fine if i dun get it, you know. it's just my own selfish little expectation anyway. and sorry about that. i guess i must really thank sally and dian, though they wont be reading this. thanks for staying with me. I guess u guys understood what i was thinking or feeling, and accompanied me huh. heh. thanks. =) i just didn't want to go home early, especially on my birthday. i must say it was kinda dissappointing to see everyone leaving, one by one of coz, but that's only becoz i want u guys to stay, especially her... everyone was like looking at me when she left. i really didn't want to show any emotions at that moment. i just looked away. coz i know, no matter how i would've wanted, it's only fair that i respect everyone, and let everyone enjoy themselves. didn't wanna spoil anything at all.

but dun worry, u guys did great. i appreciate it.

sorry for being so..
sorry for having the high expectation
sorry for being such a jerk, making you unhappy at one point when msging because of my kinda rude tone.

Thank you everyone, i enjoyed. thanks for the present, and those food she gave me. didn't expect it too, but i kinda like it. =) and the badges, despite how u hated beatles eh? and the cds, thanks guys!

"happy birthday.. to me."

~Kaze

well, birthday's just another day...

Bye bye. =/

~Closed~

...for now.
nth to say.

~Kaze

it used to be better..
when you didn't know i have a blog?

Last post.

this family doesn't feel like one.
at least not now.

i really hate seeing them shouting at each other.
even worst, throwing things around,

getting hit on the outside is nothing.
the pain witnessing all these is the vital one.

i wished i was borned in a wealthy family, well who wouldn't.
i wished i didn't have to worry so much about my future.

why do i have to end the day with such bad mood.
my eyes are already swollen.
i shouldn't cry anymore.
i wish there's something to make me cheer up again...

~Kaze

thats why i don't fucking care about everything.

i'm sick of it.

zhu.

zhu, i know sometimes it's hard to explain things. sorry for the words i used. i guess it made you think about it for the whole day. i know you'll tell me sooner or later. even if you don't, it's okay. but next time if you need someone to talk to, i'll still be there. always. i'm glad you decided to tell me your new blog address yourself. really glad. anyway, no matter what happens in the future, whether you want to let me know or not, it's alright. Just stay happy, for me. the least you can do. i'll be just as happy. =)

~pighead.

and buy me a better eye solution,
i'm still rubbing my eye as i type... =(

I just want to be with you.

it's hard to be fine when you're not.
but to pretend that you're, it's twice as hard.

i just want to be with you.
im just a little bit confused.
do you like me?
do you miss me?
do you want to be with me?

i would've been gone by now if i've never tried.
but please be nice and grab on tight.
for this is the last time i'll believe we'll ever make it.

you don't have to hide your emotions from me.
if you love me just show it to me.
hug me if you miss me.
kiss me if you like me.
hold me tight and never let go if you want me so badly.

I'll never laugh at you,
that's for sure.
I'll do the same if i could,
just to be with you.

i can't imagine living without you.
but can you?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
vivo and sentosa brings back lots of memories...

i wish i could hold your hand again.

~Kaze
i'm down.

do you still like me?

It's all over but the crying.

there're many things i wonder...
many things in my mind now.
should i say sad or happy?
i shouldn't have came in through that door.
i shouldn't have came in at all.
i hope it's not too late to walk out that door now.
it's cold outside.
but i know i'll feel the warmth just by looking back.

until the end,
there was still lies.
that cant be told.

i was just staying in the plato's cave all along.
no one to blame for the things i see.
anyway...was just an option.
i wished that day could've came sooner to fulfill my wish.

~Kaze

it's all about the right timing.....

can't sleep.

i can't go to sleep.
forget it.
im going out.

~Kaze

what is it that's keeping me awake?

Be okay, zhu tou.

i don't know what's going on.
but it's making me worry.
i know it's better for you to have some peace.
i just hope you're alright.
treat me like ur zhu tou,
i'm still willing to lend a listening ear.

~Kaze

don't tell me there's nothing.
but it's ok if you don't want to talk about it.
just be alright, k?

bleed like me?

im only happy when it rains!
i know you can't appreciate it!

what is right and what is wrong.
what seems right may seems wrong in another's perspective.
it is simply a work of mind games.
why are people falling into the traps of the game of life?

just watched "invasion".
"my pig is not my pig."

played like a christmas toy...
getting all fuck'd up.

why are you holding tight to that ammunition of yours?
what is it that you're holding on?

what do you want?
it's a very straightforward question.
but how many people can actually answer that so straightforward.
what do you really want?

just calm down everyone...
i wish i could make you feel better.
i wish everything could be just fine.
i wish i could say good night.
but nevermind.

good night.
sleep early.

smile please. don't frown.

~Kaze

can you bleed like me?

sorry. pls rest well. =(

"is it wrong to be selfish occasionally, to make yourself feel happy once in a while?"
you know, to be able to see you everyday is my everyday wish.
but a wish is a wish, it may never come true all the time.
thats why it's called a wish.
and i cherish it everytime it came true.
i just wanna spend more time with you while i can.

anyway, just wanna say thanks.
for staying to help me with my work.
feel kinda guilty looking at the countless times you fell asleep.
didn't know you didn't slept yesterday.
next time try not to ask you for help le.
sigh.
Sorry...
rest well
i wanna see a zhu tou full of energy...=)

~Kaze

selfish me.

I don't know!

things are always kept hidden away. perhaps i felt better saying it out. but then i start to feel the guilt i used to felt again. it's really hard to convey a message without knowing how the person will feel later on. im getting really tired. too tired to try anything. the more i talk about it, the more i realised how impossible it is to be like before. and sometimes, perhaps love is not really about two people, but everything about the two people, compatabilities plays a big part too. and when you think about it, you feel so much inferior. although they say it's the opposites that attracts. i know if things goes on the same way it does now, nothing will be fulfilled. nothing will change. it's always just me hearing those unfriendly phrase. no one's ever happy to hear those things. no one will be. no one will like to see the back of someone you like to disappear so fast without any warnings. no one likes silence. everyone wants to be cared by someone. if only it's always the case... the most difficult thing is to live your life with both happy and unhappy stuff going on at the same time. it's hard to juggle. and you feel so much worst than just sadness. coz you don't know what you're feeling. you became stuck in-between a real and surreal world. Perhaps this story should just be ended. There's always so much i want to say. but im not good with words, whatever language it may be. i try to put these things deep down and smile. at least i know my smile can make others happier. aarrrhhhh..! sigh... if you ask me what's going on, i wouldn't know either. i'm just feeling so "filled"? i just know i ain't happy.

~Kaze

I've stopped crying,
why does my eye hurts so much then?

bored. '-_-'

hmmm... it's 3.02pm. i havent done a thing. been looking at some singapore related webby. but still no idea. how should my logo look like? i really don't know how. sigh. im so bored at home, locked in my room. just wished i can hav a pet or something. at least i will have someone to talk to and wouldn't be so bored. yea yea i know, talking to a pet? hmm well better than no one la. maybe thats why i like to do work together with other people. im on low batt. zzz. please charge me bah. =/ xie xie. =

~Kaze

( '@' )? what are you doing..?

when we were just friends...

hai......was deleting some messages. and saw a message which i kept for a few months. it was a message i sent out. reminded me of many things. makes me wonder how things become the way it is now. small little details that tell so much. the way we talk. the way we no longer talk about almost anything. the way we used to had not much to hide. the way we talk on the phone. the way two good friend were. the way we kinda wanted to see each other. hmmm...i guess i kinda miss the times when we were really good friends.

as for school, let's not talk about it today. =)

~Kaze

your little fingers.

am i not creative?

AAAAAAAArrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dunno what photos to take. i havent come up with a logo. i need to redo my p.o.p and i have to make 2 opposite creative journal by tuesday. im soooo dead. =.="'

rain please don't stop. i wanna take photo! i need a model. zzzzzz...

and...
im hungry again.
someone buy me food lei,
im waiting =P



~Kaze

our story ended.

blank page.

"i wished there's a cook book for life. and the recipe will tell us what to do next."

what do you call a blank page which could never be filled?
you simply call it "a blank page".
you can't describe everything.

~Kaze

i feel like...
a blank page.

filling up.

how i wish i can play this melody on my blog now. it's beautifully sad.
im so tired.
i don't know what's happened since then,
there's something different.
i've never liked the way you walk away.
but it seems like im seeing this repetitive thing everyday now.
well those days were over. i know.
and it's time to let go.

does anyone knows why i like boat quay so much? the clearest thing i could remember was me, sitting near the river thinking about her two days before the 21st. i remember it was a monday. i remember i was drinking. i remember how those messages got me so happy. i remember kncoking onto a glass door on that day. and the scar never disappear on my left hand. and it was since that day, she knew i like going there. the reason was never clear to me either. but now i guess the reason was her.

~Kaze

you're filling up my mind.

make my day.

a bad bad day i'm having.
first the lecturer say my work's terrible.
which practically "made my day".
guess i'm taking it to emotionally?
everyone seems fine and happy having to redo.
well i just hate to do 3D.
especially dealing with things that tear so easily.
and then now the whole piece just tore apart as i'm going home.
and the hot weather is making it worst.
And just when i thought i could go catch a movie and relax abit,
well they were all tired i guess.
i am too.
i just don't wanna waste my time like this.
life is short.
i want to see more things.

well somehow,
you never fail to make my worries go away.
everytime i look at you.
glad you're there today.
if only you were always there.

i guess im gonna take a quick shower and go walk around myself.
boat quay maybe. =P it calms me down.
and then, hope to cheer up abit. heh heh.

~Kaze

perhaps we're just parallel lines.

but i'll turn 0.1mm towards you,

and we'll meet someday.

For no one.

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on

When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry

She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her
love is dead

You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now
he's gone

She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said
will fil your head

you won't forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

more than enough said.

~Kaze

Why don't you believe?

She no longer needs you.

i should have known.

i should have known.
seems like it's time to wake up. stop dreaming.
i guess it's true you do have alot of guardian angel around you.
something we wanted so much but never get it.
give me just one and i would've cherish it.
waiting just for a chance to see you.
do you call that 'silly' or 'crazy'?
i guess i'm just silly.

~Kaze

"but i was so crazy about you, i didn't mind."

2 years is short.

first i went out with a low batt phone, then i can't seem to settle down doing my work. havent really do anything this weekend. and while walking home, it just started to rain all of a sudden. well im fine with the rain, but my laptop... anyway, got all wet. and i mean wet.

am i too stress or wad? im not even doing anything.

i seriously don't want to go to school.
i don't look forward to tomorrow's photography presentation coz i seriously don't quite like those photos i took. and still, stupid lecturer said each week will be more strict. fuck it la.

just fuck it. everything also nv do. think i'll just skip tuesday's lessons.

There's nothing more i'm looking forward to...

"2 years is short.
will i be able to see you then..?"

"don't ask me why i like you.
i just do."

~Kaze

im not good at reading minds.

please come back.

it was somewhat like this or whatsoever. but not quite.
it was not the same. will it ever be back?

"you never know when is your last. so you should just cherish every moment like it is."

yawning...like a baby (-. -)..zzZ
heh heh.

~Kaze

wake me up when september ends.

imagine.

Do we walk the same road down?
are we heading the same direction?
will we end up in the same place?
are we feeling the same way we used to feel..?

recently, i often imagine different way of dying.
i imagine being knocked down by a bus,
i imagine being runover by a train,
i imagine falling off a building,
i imagine waking up one day, and realised that,
I'm dead.

~Kaze

let it be our happiest day.

forget.

this whole week has been a lifeless week for me. going for photo shoot later. anyone wants to accompany me? it will be quite boring though. i just realise listening chinese songs can also make me quite emo. haha. suddenly, got a bad feeling about something.
"i like talking to you, even though you practically counter whatever i said, which is pretty irritating. -.-' i just love the sight of you."
i wanna be happy, one month from now.
will you, or anyone be happy then?
~Kaze

I've got a very small memory space,

but i never forget the things you said.

she bu de ni... =/

uploaded some chinese songs. i like "sha tan" and "wo men de gu shi".
today, all i understand from the lessons is only the word "concept".
and it's so hard to come up with one.
my mind's always off somewhere.
dreaming away.
nothing much to talk about...
it seems like there's only one thing motivating me to go school.
you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

zhen me yang cai neng rang shi jian dao liu...?

hate to say goodbye. hate to let you go.

it took me 2 seconds to say 'bye'.

i used it to think of you.

~Kaze

whenever you walk away,

i'm always having this feeling i can't explain.

words from memories.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today, i presented the 3 photos. not the 3 above, but another 3. well, i know i shivered and shaked abit and i'm sure my presentation was kinda blur. but i'm glad sally said she understood and that she liked one part of what i said. something about, not seeing this person for 3 months yet that photo just portrayed that farmiliar smile I've had in mind from my memories. well perhaps the presentation was blur, but it's really what i wanted to say, therefore, conveying that message was easy. haha. dunno what i'm talking. anyway, these photos are my first time taking and washing my own photos. and i guess thats why i like these photos so much.

did work at sally's house. though didn't do much and i think tmrw dun nid present le la. until late in the night, then i thought of a concept. was writing away, when i'm asked a question. and so, the conversation sent me thinking lots and lots. stoning emotionally. haha. anyway, after what have been said, i think i should at least be glad for the way it is now. at least it helped me to be sure of certain things. =)

~Kaze

and i still remember some things you said.

where's the rewind button?

today went for photo shooting. glad to have zhu tou no.2 as my model. these are a few accidental shots which i like. not used for my project. but maybe will include in my photojournal if possible. see how. anyway, xie xie ni, zhu tou!





you, made me like you...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sometimes, you know you're trying your best, you know everything seems ok on one glance. but deep inside, you just feel that it's different. perhaps you're the only one that hasn't moved on. not only miracle, but everything else happen only once. the next time, it will be different. it's just not the same. no more smiles that're smiling at you. no more sweet little words slotted into parts of a sms, just to let one know, "i'm thinking of you". no more warm caring words to send one's heart melting like an ice cube... i guess this will all have to happen only inside my dream from now on... dream of sweet memories.
and i wonder how come it's so hard?
nothing has changed......right?
anyway, zhi yao ni kai xin jiu hao la...

~Kaze

you, made me love you...

suddenly feel like watching sunrise.



~Kaze

I'm just tired.

do you miss me?

What if your mind is off somewhere, thinking of someone, and you get hit by a car? how does it feel like? I think that there'll be no pain, but fear. A fear that the someone will vanish from your mind. perhaps i imagine getting knocked down by a car too much. and imagination became reality. my mind was off somewhere. didn't know what i was thinking. i looked at it and still i walked towards it. In that one second, before fully awake from 'dreaming', all i could see in my mind was someone. someone who've always been in my mind but never so clear. how does it feel like to be the last person on earth? all i needed was a little more care. whispering through my ears. a little hug to keep me from cold. a little look from the eyes that says "i'm missin' you." all these just to put a smile on my face, through the night, in my dream.
do you still think of me like you used to?

~Kaze

put down all your ammunition,
give me a hug.

I smiled.

How to know if someone is really in love with you and not just playing games? Truth is, you just won't know the answer. There's no way to tell, and no way to know, but then again, is there a need? Why worry about that? Enjoy being together while you are together. When you're in love, love to the fullest. It is a fiction. But everyone need fiction. If you have loved totally, there is no question. One day if the lover leaves, that simply means now our ways are parting. We can say goodbye, we can be thankful to each other. When you don't need the other, you can love, and that love will not bring misery. Going beyond needs, demands, desires, love becomes a very soft sharing, a great understanding. To be free from the past and future is to taste freedom for the first time. And in that experience one becomes whole, healthy, all wounds are healed.

Understanding these things made me understand that we need not "force" anything, no matter how much I wanted it. Just let it flow itself. No demands, no desire, no need, in that, I will be able to enjoy love, be it together or not. =)

Headache. again. hope i get sweet dreams tonight... haha. long time no have le. really long.

~Kaze

If you are simply smiling for no reason at all,

people will think something is loose in your head--

why are you smiling? Why are you looking so happy?

Feel alone.

Is there a difference between aloneness and loneliness? Yes, there is. Aloneness is to be self-contained, and not in-need of another. And to be alone doesn't mean loneliness. Loneliness takes place when you feel that everyone's with everyone and why are you left out? But why feel lonely when you can feel alone? Aloneness doesn't mean you can't be with another. You can, but it just means you are not in need of another. You know yourself better by knowing another. Being alone is a beauty. Have you ever stand in the crowd and still feel "lonely"? Yes, from one point of view, it is loneliness. But you could've closed your eyes and listen carefully to your surrounding and you will hear the birds singing, a clock ticking, and you can differenciate different kinds of footsteps made by different kinds of shoes. You can open your eyes and pay attention to every small details around you. And that is a beauty. That is aloneness. Real loves do happen, and that is when you can achieve aloneness, when you are not in need of another. Can you? Aloneness and loneliness, they are so close yet so different. Feel alone, not lonely. =)

headache, headache, headache... =/

~Kaze

hmmm, so how was that train ride?
hahaha. =P

Aloneness

Football

"I don't see any point in it. Why unnecessarily hit the football from here and there? There is no point. And even if you make the goal, so what? What is achieved out of it? And if these people love making goals so much, then rather than having one football, have eighteen footballs. Give everybody one, and he makes as many goals as he wants, nobody prevents him. Let them have goals to their hearts' content! This way it is too difficult--why make it unnecessarily difficult?

I don't understand, that by creating hindrances and preventing people . . . They fall and they have fractures and all kinds of nonsense. And not only that--when there are matches, thousands of people gather to see them. It seems these people don't know that life is so short--and they are watching a football match! And they are so excited, jumping, shouting--to me, it is absolutely neurotic. I would rather sit under my tree."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The old woman watched her grandson eat his soup with the wrong spoon, grasp his knife by the wrong end, eat the main course with his hands, and pour tea into the saucer and blow on it.
"Hasn't watching your mother and father at the dinner table taught you anything?" she asked.
"Yes," said the boy, chewing with his mouth open, "never to get married."

~Kaze

life, love, they're all fictions.
but you need fiction.

i just want to say,

exactly half a year has gone by since that day. yea...i do feel sad. half a year passed by so fast. to think that half a year ago, i made a post about the happiest day of my life. hah. half a year later... to be fair, i guess this post will be the saddest day of my life. half a year seems short. and it doesn't change anything, the way i see it. i still feel the same way i did six months ago. it's early in the morning, and i'm just about to start the day. but with no directions. still remember how excited i was that day. and the day just feel so short. waiting seems longer than usual, coz i can't wait to see her. saying goodbye that day wasn't very hard, coz i know i'm gonna see her again. I guess the important thing is it was an enjoyable day. people say the more you think about it, the more you start to forget all about it. don't think that's true. anyway, i should start looking into things that'll cheer me up, though i'm still trying my best to find one. waiting on love ain't so easy to do.
that's it. i'm signing out. before tears start coming out. hah. =) don't bother checking back again bah.

~Kaze

and i just want to say,

i miss you. =/

let it be lost in the well...

forget. forget. just forget it!

stop. stop. just stop everything!

what am i feeling? Nothing. I'm fine!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I just want to scream.

stop feeling that way! feel like taking out my heart and give it a good scolding.

knock your head against the wall and wake up!

hmmm... and i wonder when my dad's gonna run out of pocket money to give me.

anyway, no point telling a computer about it. it's just my sad stuff. and it's kinda silly.

no motivation to do work...

ninja on!
*poof!*
zzz... =.="'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And then you wonder how it all came about?
It's too late now there's no gettin' out.
You fell in love, and love is the tender trap......

~Kaze

how should i tell you how i feel,
when words are only sound......?

I'm a monster!

Was buying and buying lots of food, and suddenly I realised that... I tend to eat alot when I'm not in a good mood. Perhaps the only thing that can calm me down is to keep eating.
When I see a car, I feel like hammering its window.
When I see someone blocking my way, I feel like strangling him/her.
When people talk so damn loud on the bus, I feel like glueing their lips together.
When I get irritated by stupid noises caused by other people while reading in a library, I feel like killing them.
When I see the soccer field's empty, I feel like kicking a ball so damn hard that it tear apart, though I know I'm not good with balls.
But strangely, when I see a cat, I feel like hugging it.
Ahhhhhhhhhh~~~!
Help!
I'm wierd.

Currently consuming a nicely made Cheezy BBQ melt, a Mash potato, A chicken wing, a curry puff, and two donuts, with a cup of pepsi. =)

I didn't know I can eat that much. Well at least not in a regular basis, but nowadays...

Take what's left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave

-----------------------------------------

Situation Number one
Its the one that's just begun
But evidently its too late
Situation Number two
Its the only chance for you
It's controlled by denisons of hate
Situation Number three
It's the one that no one sees
All too often dismissed as fate
Situation Number four
The one that left you wanting more
Tantalized you with its bait


~Kaze

I don't wanna be your regret.
I'd rather be your cocoon.

Pigheadache.

Ever had a kind of feeling when you're so close to someone, yet still missin' this person so much?

This pig head is having headache.
But just can't sleep.

think there's something wrong with my eye today. everything seems so yellowish. feel so heavy on the neck. hmmm... aiya think i'll be fine tmrw. hope. =/

anyway, got the best medicine i can have today. so...

Perhaps I know it seems impossible,
But I guess I just want to enjoy every moment I can have now.
Nothing else really matters...
just friends or not?
i guess happiness comes first...

~Kaze

keep letting the water flow,
it will eventually dry up one day.

I've used up all my time.

Today's activities :
After school, called everyone. No one.
Bought bubble tea.
Walk around.
Went library.
Listen to music at HMV.
Sat at esplanade.
Took a bus home.
Bought two small boxes of cake, A few sushi, and a packet of instant noodles.
Sat down eating the noodles,
Telling a pentium 4 about the stupid life I'm having.

and by the way, just gotta say, that SHOW magazine layout sucks! You call that a design? Maybe...
But I like mine better.





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The same old place I've been.
The same old carpet I've sat on.
The same old book I've read.
The same old steps I took.
But it don't feel the same anymore,
without you sitting by my side.

I wonder why is it that sometimes,
our messages just can't get to each other.
I wonder why is it that sometimes,
I can never know what you're thinking.
I wonder how much time have I used up,
just to think of you."

~Kaze

Fate? maybe.
Time doesn't flies, for today.

The thing I missed.

Today went out with shida, shairul, yj, xin ning. Well I was the only person on time. =.="' Anyway, we walked around, joke around and we ate soeul garden. And as usual, I ate alot. Shai kept saying he never see me stopping since we came in. I was either cooking or eating. Haha, quite true. And the ice cream was nice, the ice kachang overflowed. zzz... Then we watched the movie "flashpoint", and they kept saying "pi piak pi piak" after the show, which actually meant the sound of the punches and all those moves. Well, then we walked to the new campus to look around and end the day there. It has always been hard to say "goodbye" for me. Especially when I know it will be some time till I see that person. I mean, well, I will still see them in the campus, but, it's just not the same anymore. Perhaps get together some time and go out together and so on, but, it's not an everyday thing anymore.

I wanted to slow down time, or freeze it. And perhaps live in that time for a week. But it will never be enough. And so, goodbye. Take care, everyone. =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmmm, and so you know, I was just on time to reach home and switch on my monitor, and saw the msg you sent me. Just nice, my sis seems to have logged into my account, if not, perhaps I'll just go to sleep.

Yeah, I know perhaps you will be reading my blog still. That's why I carried on blogging despite the fact that I kept saying I wanted to close it down. I know you have not forgotten. Yeah, still not old despite of your white hair la. haha. Perhaps it's just that sometimes I just wonder, how some people can forget so easily. That particular day wasn't a very good day for me, despite I took a walk along the "I-so-longed-to-go" boat quay. It just got worst after I reached home, facing my computer, talking to someone. It was a day which I finally got someone to talk to and I let it all out. Perhaps that explains the post, saying some stupid stuff. That night wasn't easy for me, but it made me feel better the following day.

Well I couldn't forget anything...but now I'd prefer to remember it. I know you'll remember too. No need for us to say. Whatever it is, we can't rewind time, but I'll remember every moment it took for me to get here. It will be wrapped nicely and put inside a corner of my heart. I hope I'll do just fine and I'll always be wishing you well, even if you're far away. So, take care. Goodbye. =)

It's been a while since I heard that "two words". The only "thing" I missed.

*Sweating like hell* betta go bathe now.

~Zhu tou

I enjoyed every moment I could remember.

I missed my zhu tou...
Safe trip home. =)

What is love anyway?

The thing about memories sometimes...
The more you think about it, the more it becomes blur to you.

The thing about time...
You can slow it down if you want. You can even freeze it if you like.
But you can't rewind.

Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was.
Love is there if you want it to be.
You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty
and hidden away between the seconds of your life.
If you don't stop for a minute,
you might miss it.

I'm moving on, till I'm needed to stop again.

~Kaze

Nothing to worry. Just smile. =)

Songs in my heart.

"loving someone doesn't make them love you."
"waitin' on love ain't so easy to do."

Simply like this two lines from a song.

"Just sitting, wishing."

Sometimes I wish I could sing. and that I could play the guitar. And then play the guitar, singing to the girl I like. Haha. Or simply just singing into the air, sitting near the beach. Well, but I know I'm not musically talented. haha. so... I'm better off daydreaming. Being a dreamer is much easier. =)

I don't know la, but for me, I think the best gift would be a song. Best if it's self-composed. If someone is to sing me a song, my heart will melt man... Haha... It doesn't have to have very good music, I just want a good lyrics. When I listen to a song, I often look at the lyrics and sing with it. That's how I appreciate a piece of music. That's why when most people talk to me about what they called "Music", I practically switched off. Especially songs like "my humps" or "umbrella", stupidiest songs I've ever heard in my life. I don't know what the lyrics is about, but I'm not interested to know either. It's practically a piece of junk if you ask me. You don't even know what she's singing. And perhaps the singers themselves don't even know what they're singing most of the time. Just follow the music and make those repeated words/sounds. *Note* I don't call those lyrics. They're just words or sound, repeated for a few times to form what others called "music". To me, they're more of "sound" than "music". So don't be surprise if anyone sees me getting so pissed and frustrated all of a sudden outside when I heard these "sounds".

School's starting soon. Somehow, I'm not looking forward to it. Don't think le. spoil my mood to even think of it.

Tomorrow, most likely I'm gonna get pissed off with someone. She never fails to piss me off everytime I speak with her. That's why I tried not to speak to her so much. And tomorrow? Have to change our dining place because of her. But anyway, I saw that coming. Expected.

I think I'm getting more and more sensitive towards people's words. catching small little details of words they say.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing to say le. I'm just confused at what I'm feeling right now. or rather, all along. Perhaps it's a feeling that you can only achieve when you really don't care about anything anymore. Just wanna see her happy bah. You know, when I see her, I didn't just see her. I feel her.

Maybe that's why.
I want to feel happy. =)

~Kaze

I've always had songs in my heart for you,
just waiting for you to put it together.

Sitting, waiting, wishing.

Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I can't stand myself! Getting so hot-tempered so easily. Dammit. I wasn't like this before!
Calm down pls!

Sigh.

Just so frustrated. Everything's not right. fuck.

Good thing there's still my music to calm me down.

I'm hungry. 3:45pm I havent eat anything. how I wish got ppl buy food for me. haha. dream on. -.-"'

I really don't wanna be thinking anything related. It's making me change, for the worst i'm afraid. Just kill me if you see me stoning next time. zzz. =.="'

Sigh...anyway, wherever you are, take care. I don't care if anyone forgotten anything anymore. I just wanna wish for everyone to be well. you too. Enjoy your vacation. All the best to the new school term. =)

~Kaze

Can anyone cook me some food? I will give you a kiss! haha.

Where are you?

Tonight, I took a walk along clark quay and boat quay.

The scenery was beautiful. saw alot of different people. Then I settle down at the bridge at boat quay. I sat on the bridge, looking at the boat travelling below, above the dark water which is lighted up by the beautiful lights around.





Why do people have secrets? And if you have a secret, please keep it as a secret. It makes people wonder...

What do I really want? What I want is not possible. I just know it, even though it hasn't been said. Perhaps you've made a wise decision. I respect that and so... But did I really did the wrong thing? I don't know. I just couldn't forget you, honestly. I don't need anyone to know. Coz I didn't try to remember on purpose. I just couldn't. Perhaps it really means alot to me. But it seems like it's a different case on your side. I'm just wondering, have you erased those memories? It's easy? Teach me. Please mend my broken heart.

Where are you, I wonder. We've grew so far apart I don't even know where you are now. Wherever you are, I wish you well. Just smile. Coz your smile is the one thing I haven't forgotten, something I would like to see everyday if I could.

Do you remember when we first met?

I sure do.

~Kaze

I took a picture that I don't like to look at...

Would you be happier?

There're two sides to everyone.

Ever realised that there's one certain side of a certain person you liked so much, yet you kinda dislike the person in another way?

But of course, most of the time, that dislike part, plays only a small role.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, "what if" is all I think of.
What if I've gone ahead with my studies at temasek poly?
What if there're certain things I didn't do, will I have happier classmates?
What if I wasn't in this class, and I didn't met her, will she be happier?
Perhaps...
But when I think of it, I really don't wish for all these "what if" to come true.

Sigh...stupid me,
To think of all those things.
But sometimes when you have some flashbacks of your memory,
you think to yourself,
for that moment in your flashback,
"She could've been happier."
"Everyone could've been..."

Smiles... =)

"It's enough to make me cry,
But that doesn't seems like it'll make it feel better.
Maybe it's a dream and if I scream, it will burst at the seams.
Whole place would fall into pieces.
and then they'd say
"well how could we have known?"
i'll tell them its not so hard to tell.
you keep adding stones,
soon the water will, be lost in the well."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Sitting, waiting, wishing"

Now I was sitting waiting wishing
you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
And in loving somebody don't make them love you

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?

I sing ya songs I dance a dance
I gave ya friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth never having you
And maybe you been through this before
But its my first time
So please ignore
The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool
I keep playing your cards
But its not my scene
Wont this plot not twist?
I have no place to read?
Keep building me up, then shooting me down
Well im already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting waiting

Well if I was in your position
I'd put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
And If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do

Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing the fool?
No I cant always be waiting waiting on you
I cant always be playing playing your fool, foool

~Kaze

I like it when you smile...

Am I alright?

My last day working at action city, for now...

Went for supper with everyone, except for one extra, joanna's husband. Spoiling the fun. Still didn't manage to take a photo of everyone. Joanna's not inside. Sigh. And the two photos the rest of us took together, isn't very nice. I hope we had more time. I hope it wasn't just supper. I hope we can have more fun. No one rushing home, had all the time we need to take a perfect picture. But well... nevermind.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What if you have an extra 8 hours each day? What if you can't fall asleep? What would you do?

I remembered there were days I just couldn't fall asleep. The moment I lied on my bed, things start to float around my mind. I know I'm tired. But those stuff kept me awake.

Now that I have so much free time, should I even spend them sleeping? It's wasting time. What should I do tomorrow? Well I wanted this break. I just don't know what to do with it. Walking around town area... wandering about the same few places. It's kinda boring. If there's a nice movie showing right now, perhaps I will try watching a movie alone for the first time. I don't know what's that feeling. With no one around you that you know. You watch a comedy, you laughed alone. You watch a tragedy, you cry alone. You watch a thriller, you grow excitement alone. You watch a horror, you jump up of your chair alone.

Every day, I sigh...before I start my day.
Every night, I sigh...before I go to bed.

I haven't had any dream for quite some time.
It would be great if any sweet little dream stop by one of these days.
Please, sweet ones. I don't wanna cry sleeping... Haha.

Sigh...

~Kaze

Am I alright?

Bus, stopped

There was this man, sitting at the back of the bus, on his way back home. He knew it will take another 1 hour for him to reach home. It was a waste of time taking bus, some might say. But to him, it's part of his thinking process. Perhaps he felt secure, safe. He prefered bus, than train.

He used to look out of the window, looking at tons of red light passing by him. And occasionally, finds himself looking at couples, holding hands, walking down the streets. He wasn't jealous. It wasn't envy either. He was thinking of something else.

Today, he didn't get to sit beside the windows. So after staring at all the people on this crowded bus, he started to wonder. He wasn't thinking of anything himself, he was guessing what the other passangers were thinking, paying extra attention to people who's on their own.

"Oh, I'm so exhausted... I'm falling asleep..."

"Hmmm, how long more till I reach home...?"

"I wonder what time is it now?"

"Stop pushing, will you?"

"Oh my god, you stink!"

Within a quick 5 minutes, there were already many possibilities he thought of. It's actually quite fun. To look at the faces of people, the body-language, paying attention to their dressing, their age, their gender. Then try to guess what they are thinking. It felt as though you're able to read people's mind. There're tons of possibilities, and therefore, it feels like he's controlling the minds of people.

Being a thinker, the bad thing is... Time flies. But the good thing is that you're the pilot.

One by one, the passengers alighted. At the back of the bus, is the clearest view you can get. At the back of the bus, nobody sees you, but you see everybody. At the back of the bus, you'll reach a bus stop half a second later than everyone. At the back of the bus, you could see him smile. He found another way to fight his enemy, Time. It's something only a bus trip can offers. Yet, many do not understand this. Upon boarding a bus, we practically switched off. Ever thought of how we could have put this 1 dollar 38 cents and 1 hour to better use?

Finally, he reached the end of his bus trip. Upon alighting, he saw people waiting for the bus of the same number, same route. He paused for a second. In this second, he thought of numerous questions he could thought of. Questions like, "Where are they going?" "how will they spend their 1 hour?"

And, as he walked passed them, there was only one thing in his mind, "I hope they sit at the back of the bus......"

On a bus, you see different people, heading different places, in the same direction. You see different expressions. You see tired faces, exhausted faces, sad faces, smiling faces, and some with no expressions, like one of mine. You'll see tired faces knocking against the back of the seat or the window. Exhausted faces desperately looking for a seat. Sad faces staring mindlessly to the "outer world". Smiling faces abandoning unhappiness. Every few minutes, one or two faces leaves the bus, and new faces replace them. This place where this replacement takes place is what they called, "Bus-stop". It's always filled up with people but it's actually the most "empty" place on earth. No one stays there forever.

Is it our human nature to question? Are we stubborn or are we persistant? I don't really know.
But I know that this man, who've sat at the back of the bus, thinking of so much, so much that a bus trip could offer. It's not because he's smart. It's not because he's mad. It's not because he's a thinker. It was something else.

He's lonely.
He's me.

~Kaze

How are you?

The Last Saturday.

Sigh...

Everyone looked forward to today's celebration. Everyone's dressed up. Lot's of make-up, especially for my in-charge. But I was soooo... disappointed to hear that it's cancelled, due to the delay for their pay and will only receive on monday. Sigh. Didn't really show, but I'm actually quite disappointed. But well... So I suggested to just go for movie. At first only two weren't able to go. But then, later, one by one weren't going too. Leaving just me and the other part-timer, tian soon. But I really didn't wanna go home just like that. So we ended up watching movie by ourselves. How sad. Haha. But betta than nothin' I guess...

Anyway, we did have a supper together before the movie. I mean everyone, except for Joanna. And yea, we took some photos, except for Joanna, yet again. *Her stupid "husband"*

Here are some photos we took together. I still didn't take a photo of everyone inside. Sigh. Next time bah... And one more thing, I think Serene, my in-charge look different in photos. Haha, not saying she look bad in real-life lah, but just... betta in photos. hahaha.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Haha... Toot toot de Tian Soon... haha... =P


Marinah, Me, and Tian soon. =)


Haha I forgot my camera was on Close-up mode. Ended up, become so closed-up. Anyway, this is me and my in-charge, Serene. Don't be decieved by her looks. She's fierce... HAHA!=)


Aiyo, that Tian Soon spoilt the picture la, stand closer ma, and smile please?
If not nice nice one sia. ZZZ. =.="'


Haha, nice positioning... hehe. =0


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sigh... I'll miss them. Surely. Really wanted to have a proper farewell celebration. Haha. But it's ok la. Still got chance one. And Tuesday is my actual last day actually. Tomorrow and monday off. So one more day seeing them, and bye bye. I guess after I bid them goodbye, these two weeks, I'll be feeling damn lonely bah. Just like my off day. Coz really can't get anyone out and as days passed by... I've also gotten tired of asking each and everyone and get rejected by every single soul I could find. I guess, that's why I sometimes prefer to go out on my own. Coz I have only myself to compromise. Wherever I wanna go, whatever I wanna do, I just had to ask myself. Sigh... I know all these are just said to make myself feel better. But at least it will make me feel better... and perhaps... cry lesser. Haha.

I'm missing alot of things. I missed stuff I did during sec school days. I missed going for movie mania every saturday during Outback days. I missed going to sally's house, and just chill... relax... and stand alone at the balcony, looking out, thinking of stuff. And then, I guess...I still miss her...

When can I let go. I don't know.

......my vision are blurring. I can't write anymore. Good night.

Till I met you...

Today went to watch a french movie... La Vie en Rose... Story based on true life story of Edith Piaf, a famous singer in paris and america. Well, having sat through the whole 140 mins, all I can say is that she has a gifted voice and I really like her songs, but again, her life's a tragedy...

Soon, 3 months sure was fast. If someone was to ask about my holiday, I would say, "It's certainly not my happiest 3 months. In fact, it's my saddest 3 months. But in these 3 months, there were lots of stuff going through in my mind. A lot I'm feeling. Don't know how to put it, but at least these 3 months weren't the same as before. That's something different. And those walks on my own certainly got me thinking alot. Looking at my surroundings, the people, the place. Though bring back some old memories, but sure brought me new understanding towards certain things.

I never knew the night sky were so beautiful, with those stars shining brightly, till I met you.
I never knew what it's like to hold someone's hand walking under those stars, till I met you.
I never knew what it's like to feel as though I'm in a heavenly garden running about, till I met you.
I never knew what it's like to have so much guilt in me, till I cry in pain trying to balance it, till I met you.
I never knew how much is enough to keep me crying even after months, till I met you.
I never knew I can write like this, till I met you.

If I would die one day without knowing you, that would be my greatest regret.
And so, for now, I shall have no regret.
No regret...

~Kaze

You're something special...

Becoming a Soft toy. =)

Perhaps I may feel bad... but i just don't like to be used. And don't like to be "using" others too.

Sigh... Have been doing alot of display in the shop these two days. Perhaps a little something before I'm gone. Have quite alot of fun today... Especially when a lizard crawl out of a pigeon hole display... and when I tried to look for it on the floor... I realised it's crawling out of my shirt... oh gross... And everyone just ran... haha even customer ran out of the shop... Wahaha!

Anyway, off for the next two days... Thanks for the break, but I'm really not tired... It's my last week le... actually I wanted to work more. But anyway, it may be a good thing too, to rest for two days. Have been having headache the whole day. Maybe not enough sleep. Aiya, but heck care la... just abit of headache won't die.

I want to become a soft toy... at least people will "Sayang" me... Haha. Wanna be hugged tightly, like how I hug Mokozi. Haha. And perhaps comb my hair... Carry me around... And most importantly, I can always smile... coz I carry only one expression. =)

Another day for a walk.

~Kaze

I'm huggable...while stock last. =)

"Reasons"

People are the same...

"When you get to eat buffet... You just happily eat them all, mixing every dish... take your own sweet time to decide which is the one dish you want to make it your main... After a while, perhaps, one by one, the dishes have all been taken, no more. Then you go regreting why you didn't make that decision earlier. Or... Perhaps all dishes still remains... You told someone you like this dish so much... yet the next moment, you chuck this dish aside and happily chose the other one... without even the slightest "feeling" for that dish you once said you loved..."

Sometimes, I wonder why are people contradicting themselves... Then happily put the blame on something else... Happily treat it like nothing happened. Perhaps sometimes 9/10 things said were merely excuses... Yet, we trust these people and accept those "reasons". Then few months later... you think back and you sigh... thinking of how stupid you were to accept those "reasons". I mean, they might be true. Yet, there're just so much things that contradict with those "reasons". But then again...

Well, nothing really happened to me, just thinking... Life's full of excuses... I mean, is giving the real reason really so difficult? At least I will die without regret... HAHA. yeah, I guess I'm already dead without any regret.

I'm a fucking emotional creature... I think I've drowned my heart.

Last week working... gonna miss those people I'm working with. Let me count my friends... Sec sch friends, 3 recently just distanced due to some "reasons". 2 studying. Lasalle friends? Hah... Just take it that I went to the wrong class... Working friends... saying goodbye soon.

I guess that makes me alone again, naturally...

Goodnight. =)

"Just wanna climb inside the skies to be with you..."

~Kaze

Enough to make me cry...

Goodnight to you.

My mum is fukkin noisy right now.

Naggin to the air. Trying to scold my sis, yet my sis is in the bathroom. She can't even hear with the sound of splashing water... =.="'

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!

Already the whole day is fuckin lousy. Spent the day outside alone, walking endlessly... Didn't eat anything, coz when I just wanna go buy food, all the snacks store close le. Didn't wanna eat anything else. Just no appetite for other food. Walking alone sure was lousy. That kind of feeling, though used to it, but is still making me feel sad. When I'm alone, I prefer taking bus... though it's longer. I'm able to look out through the windows to the things happening outside. Then, I start to think of alot of things... Sometimes, I find myself crying at the back of the bus. Not really physically most of the time. But sometimes, like today. I can't explain the feeling.

"I had friends. But I feel like I don't. None of them left, but they're just not there."

Sitting at the back of the bus, there's only one song in my mind for that one hour. Though I don't know about the lyrics. But it's easy, coz it says what I wanted to say. If I were a painter... I would paint my reverie, If that's the only way for you to be with me... Singing and crying... The best feeling one could ever had. =)

And at the end of the day, in my hour of need, I truly am indeed, alone again......

Actually intended to post a few photos on this post, but I guess I'll leave it for now...


Goodnight. Sleep tight. =)

~Kaze

I'm not getting any better...
Paint this beautiful picture with me and stop my tears.

Empty...

Yesterday, there's another customer asking me about my songs. We talked for quite long. In the end, I gave him an extra disc I burnt. Hah. I know it wasn't right to do that but nvm la. And later I found out that mini-toons in-charge actually say our songs not bad. Haha. =)

Today, didn't work or serve much, though I didn't go for my break. I was talking and talking and I was changing the whole display in one of the showcase. Until we close. So practically didn't do any work.

We were talking happily, until I'm being asked a question, which made me think about something else afterwhich. I was sad. Just so happen that I was playing a disc full of sad or slow songs which I compiled also. Which made me feel even more down. I didn't want to show it. I find ways to distract myself. Went for a short walk around the shopping mall. Came back and change the display. Sometimes, perhaps working does help. Even if it's temporary.

Feel empty.

Been a little while from now,
If only I'm feeling any less sour...
"alone again...naturally..."


Tomorrow not working...
Time for another walk.

~Kaze

I've stopped crying......

Coz tears had filled up my heart...

A sleeping smile?

Another week ended just like this.

Have been compiling songs to play at J8 action city. Haha. I'm giving J8 AC a different "Theme". Haha. To put it in another way, bringing music that I like into the shop. haha. But Hey, Most music suits Action city. I don't simply put everything.

Like for example, the CD I compiled this morning. I find it quite cute at times, and fun, plus a diff touch when it comes to songs by Vitas. Then few songs towards the end are from Transformers and Spiderman 3. Haha. A few oldies...but fun oldies. They're nice. And I even seen customers singing "I wanna hold your hand" and "Crocodile Rock" <--- that lalala part...haha. And also Customers asked me about the song title for one of Vitas's song. And it's not the first time. Even a song like "Alone again, naturally", I can see a customer singing along with it, and his Girlfriend asking him about the song title. Woohooo... Don't know la, but just feel so happy that there Are people who appreciate my type of songs... =)

I'm out of cute songs to bring to AC. Anyone got any cute or fun songs, please send me. Thanks... Will continue to compile songs until I leave AC, which should around 2 weeks time. Sigh... Coz I don't think will have time to work even on weekends. See first bah.

And hor, we were singing along with a few songs like clapping along with "Alone again, naturally." and singing the "mmm bah bah mmm bah bah" from "Ulybnis" by Vitas(that song which customer asked me about today.) and singing "Du dada" from "Do you want to know a secret" by The Beatles. Then "lalala" with Crocodile rock and singing "Always look on the bright side of life". =) Basically just stand at shopfront singing... haha.

But among those laughter, my mind's still off somewhere, leaving my heart with That feeling, when I heard a certain one song... Coz it brings back memories.

Sometimes I really feel like shouting out loud. Perhaps I'll feel better. I don't know. Have yet tried it.

I just can't feel happy like before.
Something's different.

Goodnight to myself.
Gd nyt. =)

Just want a sleeping smile......

~Kaze

Weeping every night...

Dreaming.

Phew...

Exhausted.
Today woke up early in the morning and went down to J8 with my sis. Coz she's going there to do display and I just happen to work full shift. So we actually just opened the shop around 9.30am. Haha. And the whole day was fun. In-charge wasn't there. Just me, and a full-timer, and a new part-timer(1st day). And we were given 1.7k for our target by OM and we actually hit 1.9k by the end of the day. Haha, miracle. So happy. Was doing hell lot of cashiering. And the full-timer Joanna was serving a customer who later bought 42 bearbrick in total, which cost him around S$250. Wooohooo. And we sold 4 t-shirts, which previously was moving very slowly. WOw. Even with that new part-timer not doing anything, we still did it. Speaking of that part-timer, we did asked her to greet a few times and she just refused to. =.="' But I did saw her approaching customers several times.

Anyway, nth much, I like the two lightbox display my sis did. Especially the "monkey island". haha. If I get the photos, maybe I'll post it. Today was a long day, yet doesn't feel long. I worked from 9+ to 11+. Omg. haha.

But still, this is just temporary fun. In a few weeks time, I'll say bye bye to these people. And meet new classmates. Really hope I'll meet more friends. And please give me friends that I'm comfortable with. Not friends that I have to compromise with, though I'm used to it, but I'm tired.

And again, time is passing too fast, and by having this type of temporary fun, it seems like wasting time. I mean, I wanna fully make use of this holiday, not just work. But what am I doing now?

Listening to some songs, they really bring back memories... At that time when I feel so happy, and looking forward to everyday, these were all the songs I was listening. Especially that song, "All about you". If one were to ask me about that particular day, I can still remember and say it clearly. Just that particular day. Coz it meant alot to me, I mean, that's the happiest day of my life...I think.

Hehe.

I guess I'll just keep dreaming... =)

~Kaze

Dreaming of the past...

Somewhere over the rainbow.

I wish for something to boost my energy...

I'm dying away...

tired.

Are you somewhere over the rainbow...?

Tomorrow off again. Going out for sure. I don't wanna waste time staying home. But I just don't know where to go.

Hope it rains tomorrow... =)

~Kaze

Someday I wished upon a star......

Crying lightbulb.

I feel like I'm missing out something.

I feel like I can have something more.

One more off day.
One more pair of shoes.
One more piece of crispy seaweed.
One more wallet.
One more T-shirt.
One more friend.
and perhaps...
One more time...
let me be happy.

I feel like I could cry sometimes...
looking out from the bus windows.

~Kaze

I don't want to be a lightbulb.

Perhaps just a firefly.=/

FUCK!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope, not happy being alone.

Yesterday didn't use com at night coz today full shift at vivo. And today, I finally get to see the in-charge for Vivo outlet. And he sucks. I can be a better in-charge than him. He spent more than 3-4 hours of the time sleeping in the store room, and another 4 hours of the time going "toilet". But it's all right, I practically just switched off. No greeting, no servicing. Just stand there whole day chewing candies. =) No one to supervise me anyway. Haha. The sales was bad, but seems like he doesn't care anyway.

Anyway, here are the photos taken on the east coast trip with my sister.


Taken by me without her noticing...=)


Us with an Action City plastic bag. HAHA!


This is how my sis look like when she sees a handsome guy.


My sis and her friend.


Finally, a proper photo of me and my sis taken by her friend. Do I look wierd. I'm gonna cut my hair yet again...=.="'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow is my off day...as usual...monday. Don't think I can get anyone out on monday, so I guess I'm gonna go have a walk on my own again... Sometimes I do feel lonely. But then... I guess it's fine. I'll just go have some quiet time on my own when there's no one around. At least I can just do what I want, don't need to compromise. If only Changi Airport still has Marrybrown, I may just go there to eat. Haha. Been quite some time since I go there just to chill.

Hmmm, wonder where should I go tomorrow. Somewhere quiet, that's for sure. Sigh... Too bad I still don't have any mp3 player. no music to accompany me. =.="'

Right now, I'm filling my stomach with milk. haha. I'm turning into a kitten. =P Drinking lot's of milk. And then burping away. haha. hey but at least I don't spill on my shirt nowadays... Hehe.

I'm so tired I feel like I can sleep for 2 days. haha. But yet I don't wanna waste that time. Time is precious to me, now that I realised it passes so fast. It feels as though it's yesterday, yet already months had passed......

~Kaze

No, I'm not happy.

Sometimes...

Damn low morale.

No mood to work. My mind never stops spinning. And it's killing me.

I don't greet customers nowadays. I don't approach them so much. And I just threw 3 water dispenser around today.

Sometimes, please say something and mean it. don't say something and seems to have forgotten you've said that earlier.

Nothing much.
I'm still not smiling.
Haha.

I'm still in a bad mood. Still in a mood where I can throw temper anytime.

Haha. Call me unreasonable. Call me hot-tempered. This is me.

When was the last time you do something that doesn't benefit yourself?
When was the last time you put other people before yourself?
When was the last time you think in other people's perspective?
When was the last time you listen to what others has to say?

I think I just need to quiet down for a while. Doing nothing for one whole week.

Working's not helping. Going out is not helping. Catching a movie isn't helping but sometimes make it worst. I'm sure jumping down a building doesn't help either.

So perhaps all I need is a good rest.

I'll go to the riverside, sit down and listen to my music on every of my off day now. I should quiet down alone.

Actually, I'm not having the slightest hope right now. Not being so hopeful for anything is better. I tried not to put the blame in anyone. I tried to think of it as some good old memories. But still... that feeling's still there, playing with my mind, making me feel so awkward. Sometimes I just stone for a moment while working, coz I happen to see something. Am I still crying? haha good question.

~Kaze

Tell me what's wrong with me.

A Lifeless Lennon Obsession.

Today can't get anyone out. and don't wanna hear anymore "I'm meeting him" or "her" so I decided to go out on my own. So I did, wandering and go walk about at orchard myself. Hah. Went to HMV and saw this album "Instant Karma : The Campaign To Save Darfur". What attracts me is the front cover. A face so farmiliar I can recognise with just one glance. Yes, it's John Lennon! haha. It's an album/campaign made to make some noise against the endless war and conflict at Darfur, Sudan. It's a compilation of Songs by John Lennon but sang by various famous artistes such as Avril lavigne, Black Eyed Peas, Snow Patrol, Maroon 5, U2, Christina Aguilera. Surprise eh? Well don't be. Afterall, John Lennon was a famous icon in this singing industry. And there're many songs by him which were written to affect people's mindset and ultimately won the "war" against US. I've always loved his works, his madness, his words. And that's why I often just ignore people around me who don't know how to appreciate his music and give me that kind of look when I tell them about my favorite artiste. But from now, please start respecting him, coz even your "new generation" singers are now performing his songs.

Anyway, didn't buy that album in the end, coz my pay isn't in my pocket yet. Perhaps I'll buy it when I get my pay.

Hmmm, watched Die Hard 4.0 at night. Well, it was a full action packed movie. Lot's of "what the fuck was that?" moments. Haha. Anyway, still can't get Transformers off my mind.

Anyway, also saw this album by Paul McCartney. Hmmm, in case you don't know who he is, he is Lennon's good friend, another one of The Beatles. He's the only Beatles alive now. haha. But this new album of his suggest that he's gonna die.

"At the end of the end. It's just the start of a journey. To a much better place. And a much better place. Would have to be special. No more crying. When I die. I want bells to be rung. Songs to be sung..."

This is roughly what's written around the side of the disc package. And the album is called "Memory almost full". Doesn't it sounds like another "Lennon's last words before death". Haha. By the way, "Grow old with me" was the last song of Lennon. Afterwhich, he was assasinated. And if you listen to the lyrics. It's like he knew he was gonna die. And some quotes by him, "I don't believe in killing. No matter what the reason is." "I'm not afraid of death. Coz I don't believe in it. I think it's just getting out of one car and into another."

Anyway, I think people reading this must find it real boring already. So I guess I shall stop.

Feeling so bored. Lifeless. Alone. Sometimes I feel like shouting out loud. Sometimes I feel like crying silently inside...

I guess there's nothing much to talk about le. Went to east coast that day with my sis, took a few pictures. Will post when I get hold of it. Till then...

Good bye.

~Kaze

Wonder how's everyone doing...

Sad and tired.

Finally got my own laptop. now gonna get a wireless router.

Went to watch Transformers, a nice show, made me wanna be one too, transform and hide myself whenever I want to. haha.

Maybe becoz the mood isn't there la, so didn't enjoy it that much.

And I'm having headache whole day long, and it got worser and worser until I had no choice but to eat panadol. Haha, to think of it, it's the first time I take a panadol outside. Anyway, was talking with my sis about friends. Yea, I think I'm quite a loner. Not much friends. and I'm not making any new ones. Yet, old friends are "distancing" le.

It's quite sad to actually eat on your own, watch movie on your own, go out and have a walk on your own.

Haha nvm la, dun think le, alone jiu alone bah. Used to it anyway.

wonder if there's anything that can really make me happy.

~Kaze

Feeling so unhappy inside.

Silent Shout!

Hate my schedule!

but i know they need ppl, so I kept quiet.

Hate working so late, but I know they're short of people, so I kept quiet and even stay more than what I was paid. half to 2/3 hour everyday adds up alot you know?

Hate this company's way of managing finance.

I haven't even get my pay, and I have to pay the company. What the hell. If shortage of cash means everyone that has touched the cash register must pay, then Mr Henry from HQ did a few transaction too, with an intention of helping. Does that means he has to pay in order to be fair?

Fuck this la.

I'm running out of cash le. Still must pay this unexpected shortage. I kept quiet, but am cursing loudly inside.

And also, I think maybe I'm too tired le la. Getting so frustrated so easily. Anyone that gets in my way now will receive a good scolding from me, anyone!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! In a bad bad mood. feel so uneasy inside. sigh. calm me down before I kill someone... !

~Kaze

Silent Shout......!

I'd like to...

Don't know why. But I'm just feeling so stressful, uncomfortable, frustrated today.

Just not in a very good mood. I mean, still joking around here and there but actually that's how I go about living everyday. But who actually knows what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling inside? Today. I'm just not feeling right. I look at my customers like I'm half-dead. Everything I do, I feel so damn wrong. And there she go again giving me stress on selling my massagers. God damn those massagers la. If customers want to buy, then buy la. It's not like I don't want to serve. I serve everyday as per normal. How the fuck will I know how many I can sell for the whole day? And what the hell do I gain for meeting my target? A sense of satisfaction from selling massagers? =.="'

Anyway. Just a fucked up day la. I got to go exactly at 9pm today, but what's the point? I got no where to go but home. If only my workplace is at town, perhaps I will go boat quay sit sit. Just take a break, doing something I like. Sitting quietly along the river.

And it seems like work is the only thing happening right now. I would like to take a break and catch a movie. Sit along the river, listen to my music. and then once in a while, surprise me with abit of sweetness. Have a supper sitting at beach, gazing upon the stars...

And if possible, send someone to accompany me for this day. haha.

my mouth's smiling... =(

~Kaze

I know you could cheer me up easily. =/

More sugar please! =/

Maybe sometimes we feel afraid but it's alright. All you need is just someone to calm you down with bits and pieces of sweetness. Even small little words that formed a sweet little sentence can melt one's heart and make all your stress go away......

And this is just what I need...

hope you're doing fine.

~Kaze

So I smile and try to mean it...

Say what you want to satisfy yourself...

For the past few days I've been busy working. Off day, doing illustration for my school magazine, which I think either chloe, who asked me to do, "cheated" me or nv choose mine. Coz she practically disappear after I sent her the file. Great. If really so, then all the credit will be hers. Sigh. Nvm la. as long as I'm not guilty of anything jiu hao. =) Same as work. I can't bring myself to lie to customers about anything. Even though I know that will help push sales. I'm one who will keep thinking about it if I lie about something. I will feel so uneasy. I guess I like to always sort of put myself in other people's perspective. Always thinking about what the other party will think if I say it this way or something. Which isn't a good thing I know. But I guess I just don't want to make anyone feel lousy becoz of something I said or did. I rather be the one feeling lousy. =)

Anyway, nothing really happened for me to say all these. Just feel like saying jiu say bah.

Now, I just want to smile and try to mean it, and let myself let go. Suddenly feeling so emo listening to "Any other world". Take me to any other world. Any. I'm tired of this one. Have nothing much to take with me. Hopefully I can make more friends in another world. I shall say goodbye to the world I thought I lived in.

Take a bow. Play the part, of a lonely lonely heart.

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
But you only want what everybody else says you should want

Haiz...hmmm think won't blog much in the future. Maybe stop le bah. Now andy won't have to complain about my blog views le. =)

~Kaze

Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?