Saddest day of my life...

Today's the saddest day of my life...

I used to tell people that I don't like my class...I hate it. But today I realised how much I didn't wanna leave them, didn't want them to leave me. I followed them to one of my classmates' house. I didn't wanna end the last day just like this. I nv regret going. I heard so much talking, so much joke...brings back lots of memories when we used to did our work together...We grossip about people...we used to said after assessment, find a day, go chalet just to grossip. I still remember. I looked at him lying on the bed, so restless...I didn't know why, but I just feel so bad. Somehow I'm the one who caused all these. The more I hear them talk about stuff that we used to talked about...like some dirty stuff, the more I feel so much regret. I turned around, and I cried. I hid from them. Until some stuff that really brought back so much memories that's going to end so soon, I couldn't take it anymore and I ran to the bathroom, locked the door, faced the mirror, and asked myself, "What have I done???" I looked at myself and I cried. I hate myself. It was my fault all along. I really feel so bad for letting him down. Sin was all I seen in my reflection. Everything was fine and I stepped in. I looked at the reflection and I saw this t-shirt and jeans I'm wearing. It's the same outfit I wore that day and said something to her which later hurt him so badly. I just hate myself! I washed my face so many times that I don't remember anymore. I wanna hide, hide this side of me from everyone. I went out and continued to joke with them...I wanted to give them the best I could. I faced him with a real smile, a smile that's saying "I'm so sorry". I didn't know what more I could give him. The smile was the best gift I could ever give. I watched with him some gore stuff which I don't really like...I talked dirty stuff again with him...teasing other people. I wanted so much to go back to that life we used to had. They kept asking me to go home coz I'm having group meeting tomorrow. But I really didn't want to. I know I'll miss them so much. And whenever they asked, I didn't answer, but turned around and tears just drop out. I pretend I was yawning, I pretend I was tired. I really want to give them the very best with my last day with them. It was so hard to bid them goodbye. It really hurts when I said "bye" to him. It really does. I wanted so much to say "I'm sorry" to him, but I know he will tell me there's nth to be sorry about...I don't want to hear that, I just want him to accept my apology. So I still didn't say it till the very end. I really hope one day he can read this...and accept that apology...Actually everytime I cried, I cried because of him...I cry because I thought I'm gonna lose this friend. And now I'm really bidding him goodbye perhaps for the last time. My dad drove off and I immediately turned and cried. I didn't want my dad to see me cry too. He drove me to have some porridge. While having the porridge, I didn't dare to raise my head coz my eyes are full of tears. Tears almost mixed with the porridge. I have my drink and the straw didn't leave my mouth for 1 sec. My head was down. Tears almost dropped down but I stopped it with my hand very quickly and hoped my dad didn't notice. The porridge numbed my tongue...I hoped it could numb my heart so that I don't feel anymore. It was so warm, but I'm feeling so cold inside. They said I could sleep through the journey home on the taxi. I didn't. I cried all the way home instead. And I didn't know why but I was crying so badly when my dad switched on the radio and it was some sort of jazz music...he switched channel and it was a song singing "I miss you so much I don't know what to say anymore..." I cried even harder...he switched channel again and this song made me cried even harder..."...you can cry me a river......cry me a river...I cry a river over you......" I really cried a river over you...=.=" It's now 3am and I'm still crying so hard alone, with everyone asleep...I want to stop, but my eyes won't listen. Tears just flow down non stop.

I regret for not using my time well
I regret for not being able to get photos of everyone in it
I regret I don't even have a class photo to keep
I regret for letting him down
I regret for not being a nice guy
I regret for not being able to be with you
I regret......
But perhaps The only thing I never regret was that I told you I like you......
What I regret was me not being able to really control myself from hurting a friend...

I'm sorry, Shida, I really am...!

Thanks.
~Kaze